Ramblings of a mad woman
I had a conversation with a friend today, and afterwards he said that there is a part I should keep and discuss with my therapist. It was raw, torn from my heart and sounds sort of insane in a ranting / stream-of-consciousness way. But it said very clearly what I will (hopefully) discuss at my next therapy session (though probably the one that I have alone with the therapist.) I'm putting it here for discussion and maybe because it will help someone who reads it understand what his wife is going through sometimes and maybe it will help a wife understand that she isn't the only one to think this and maybe it will help me... to decide.
I went through my pregnancy and the first year and a half of my son’s life [trying to be really good. Trying to not let what we worked on in therapy the first time around go to waste.]
I tried so damn hard
I tried to be a good wife
A good daughter in law
A good mother
During that time I lost my mother in law
And I realized that there was no hope for me and my husband to have a normal relationship like we should
Maybe I ruined a part of that ability… but I know that I made an effort, a RENEWED effort, to be a good wife …
And I know that my husband went through a tough time when his mom died
I begged him for months on end to see someone for it
I begged him to talk about it
I begged him to do the things that would get him back to a normal life
But I don’t even know what the hell normal is any more
All I know is that I am tired
I feel like my marriage is a weight on my shoulders
I sit every day and imagine what it would be like to go home to an apt where I know I won’t get into a fight about something stupid
I sit and imagine what it would be like to go home and be greeted by someone who wants to talk about what happened in my day. Or just to talk in general about something besides what happened in his.
I want to be in a life with someone who wants to make the effort to show me that I am important.
That I deserve respect
I married too young
I realize now what I didn’t back then
That I want a husband who is more than just good in bed
I want a husband who cares about me, my health, my feelings
I want a husband who wants to be religiously conscious
I want a husband who wouldn’t dream of not saying kaddish for his mother
I want a husband who can lead davening and learn with my son
I want a husband who can plan a vacation without making it out to be a huge to do
And I want a husband who takes initiative
I don’t have that and I never will in my husband, bc you can’t change a person
My marriage teacher in college once said "when you find someone you like, see if the things that bug you about him are things that you can live with"
At the time I was engaged and physical with my husband
So I had rose colored glasses on
I knew all this stuff
I KNEW how he was
I just hoped he would change
But he never did and never will and I have to find a way to deal with that
Either by leaving or learning to accept it
I went through my pregnancy and the first year and a half of my son’s life [trying to be really good. Trying to not let what we worked on in therapy the first time around go to waste.]
I tried so damn hard
I tried to be a good wife
A good daughter in law
A good mother
During that time I lost my mother in law
And I realized that there was no hope for me and my husband to have a normal relationship like we should
Maybe I ruined a part of that ability… but I know that I made an effort, a RENEWED effort, to be a good wife …
And I know that my husband went through a tough time when his mom died
I begged him for months on end to see someone for it
I begged him to talk about it
I begged him to do the things that would get him back to a normal life
But I don’t even know what the hell normal is any more
All I know is that I am tired
I feel like my marriage is a weight on my shoulders
I sit every day and imagine what it would be like to go home to an apt where I know I won’t get into a fight about something stupid
I sit and imagine what it would be like to go home and be greeted by someone who wants to talk about what happened in my day. Or just to talk in general about something besides what happened in his.
I want to be in a life with someone who wants to make the effort to show me that I am important.
That I deserve respect
I married too young
I realize now what I didn’t back then
That I want a husband who is more than just good in bed
I want a husband who cares about me, my health, my feelings
I want a husband who wants to be religiously conscious
I want a husband who wouldn’t dream of not saying kaddish for his mother
I want a husband who can lead davening and learn with my son
I want a husband who can plan a vacation without making it out to be a huge to do
And I want a husband who takes initiative
I don’t have that and I never will in my husband, bc you can’t change a person
My marriage teacher in college once said "when you find someone you like, see if the things that bug you about him are things that you can live with"
At the time I was engaged and physical with my husband
So I had rose colored glasses on
I knew all this stuff
I KNEW how he was
I just hoped he would change
But he never did and never will and I have to find a way to deal with that
Either by leaving or learning to accept it
posted by energynorm at
1:20 PM
4 Comments:
you got to know when to hold him
know when to scold him know when to walk away or run like hell.
no use in trying any harder to sit with him at the table. just get up and go do for yourself.
just hop on the bus Gus
drop off the key lee set yourself free.
By
thekvetcher, at 4:34 PM
Are you Simon or Garfunkel?
By
energynorm, at 9:19 AM
i'm not pushing you in either direction, but you might want to think about the plight of battered women for a second.
many times, women are abused and keep going back to the husband thinking that things will get better, or that they should learn to be a good wife, or that they should accept this behavior. some go back because they're afraid not to go back.
i am not, in any way, accusing your husband of being like this, but your last line made me think of this. you don't have to learn to live with behavior that is not acceptable, nor do you have accept that this is how he is and live the rest of your life in agony.
if you truly believe that your husband will not change, and he is not the person you described in your post, then maybe you already have made the decision.
there are many people who think that they should stay together because maybe one day it will work, or maybe it will be better for the kids, or for a whole variety of reasons. the reason to stay together is because you're in love with each other and because you make each other happy and live your life with that in mind. if most of your days are spent in depression with your marriage being the main cause, then, well....
en, i've been reading your blog for a while (but you know this). how many times can you second-guess yourself? i think that in your heart you know what you want, but sometimes knowing is easier than acting.
i hope i haven't overstepped any boundaries in my comment. if i have, i won't be offended if you choose to delete it.
By
bec, at 5:36 PM
this is very refreshing, sad, but refreshing. i think you should consider a trial separation
By
Mishegasmaster, at 11:11 PM
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