Angry
I am so angry.
There, I said it. I don’t need encouragement to say it either. I have simply decided that it is very much a real state of mind and emotions for me. I can control it. Anyone who knows me knows that.
I am angry, so very angry. At my mother.
She tried, I know she did. She wanted to be a good mother. I don’t think that it could even be diagnosed at this point, but I feel so very strongly that she suffers from PPD. Considering that my sister is now 19, that is a hell of a long time to be suffering. Regardless, I am still angry at her. She wasn’t the best mother, no, but she has a chance to be a great grandmother. The only biological grandmother my son will ever know. The chances of her living long enough to see him have his Bar Mitzvah are slim. She is slowly killing herself, and for that I am angry at her. There are times I wonder if I could bring myself to hate her. Because that would be easier than volleying between wanting to share my son’s accomplishments and HIM with her and wanting to protect him from knowing her because then he will only hurt more when she is gone. She will be gone when he is at a young age. I know it. She has no right to be so selfish. She has no right to say that it is none of my business what she does with her health. She has no right to slowly kill herself in front of all of us and to expect us to wait on her hand and foot when the only reason we are doing that is because she cant move her damn self to get what she needs.
I am angry at my father.
For not standing up to my mother’s passivity about her health. For allowing her to ‘walk’ all over him all these years. For not standing up for HIMSELF. For not wanting to further himself.
I am very angry at myself.
For caring.
There, I said it. I don’t need encouragement to say it either. I have simply decided that it is very much a real state of mind and emotions for me. I can control it. Anyone who knows me knows that.
I am angry, so very angry. At my mother.
She tried, I know she did. She wanted to be a good mother. I don’t think that it could even be diagnosed at this point, but I feel so very strongly that she suffers from PPD. Considering that my sister is now 19, that is a hell of a long time to be suffering. Regardless, I am still angry at her. She wasn’t the best mother, no, but she has a chance to be a great grandmother. The only biological grandmother my son will ever know. The chances of her living long enough to see him have his Bar Mitzvah are slim. She is slowly killing herself, and for that I am angry at her. There are times I wonder if I could bring myself to hate her. Because that would be easier than volleying between wanting to share my son’s accomplishments and HIM with her and wanting to protect him from knowing her because then he will only hurt more when she is gone. She will be gone when he is at a young age. I know it. She has no right to be so selfish. She has no right to say that it is none of my business what she does with her health. She has no right to slowly kill herself in front of all of us and to expect us to wait on her hand and foot when the only reason we are doing that is because she cant move her damn self to get what she needs.
I am angry at my father.
For not standing up to my mother’s passivity about her health. For allowing her to ‘walk’ all over him all these years. For not standing up for HIMSELF. For not wanting to further himself.
I am very angry at myself.
For caring.
posted by energynorm at
11:08 PM
3 Comments:
How sad. I hope and pray your mother will get her act together.
Please don't be angry with yourself for caring. You are a caring person and that is a beautiful and admirable quality.
By
Stacey, at 12:55 AM
maybe your mother's passivity is a way of manipulating the family?
i know that's an awful thing to say, but my mother-in-law used to do horrible things in order to manipulate us and other family members. as soon as we did what she wanted, she would stop the manipulating behavior. and then when she wanted something else (usually it was more attention) she would begin the whole cycle again.
i hope that this is not the case, and whatever the case may be, i hope that you will have the strength to get through it.
By
bec, at 12:04 AM
some parents are that way, i wish it weren't true, but it is
By
Mishegasmaster, at 8:39 PM
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