Orthodox Test
posted by energynorm at
10:34 AM
|
0 comments
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
random thoughts....
i think after 9/11 i changed more than i realized. i think the me i am now is not the me before 9/11 and that not all of it has to do with my husband.
i feel like my views of the world, humanity, people in general, trust are so skewed
bc i lost my faith in the goodness of ppl. which sounds cheesy. but i lost my direction in life. it instilled a fear in me that i have covered up with false bravado and self assurance
i feel like my views of the world, humanity, people in general, trust are so skewed
bc i lost my faith in the goodness of ppl. which sounds cheesy. but i lost my direction in life. it instilled a fear in me that i have covered up with false bravado and self assurance
posted by energynorm at
11:39 PM
|
2 comments
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings...
I have been literally delinquent in posting here and not for lack of fodder to feed your voyeuristic souls! You may want to get a snack before you continue reading. Perhaps a bag of popcorn?
My sister got married at the beginning of August. The wedding itself was amazing. My husband, on the other hand, was a horror. He acted alternatively like it was HIS sister getting married and like a spare tire one had to lug around. Over Shabbos he made a HUGE to do about the fact that he wasn’t invited to the Shabbos Kallah. Telling me how it was sexist and that he should be allowed to go. I hate being guilt tripped about something so asinine! I mean COME FREAKIN ON! It is a FREAKIN Shabbos KALLAH!! For the KALLAH and her friends!!
Then, at the wedding, I asked my husband to take our son to the Kallah room so he could rest since he was all wired and hadn’t had a nap. The music was very loud and he needed to be away from the craziness for a while. He said “NO. I told you we should have a babysitter and you chose not to get one so if you want me to watch him we will stay in this room because I want to watch the dancing.” Mind you, he wasn’t actually dancing. He was just watching. I, on the other hand, had been dancing WITH our son the WHOLE time IN my arms. All 32 pounds of him. So I took one look at my husband, picked our son up and walked out of the room to the Kallah room. He came in a bit later and I basically told him to go away and leave me alone with our son.
Regarding having a babysitter, it was impossible. I didn’t know anyone to hire who lived in Baltimore, we wouldn’t have been able to afford to put the person up in the hotel we were at and the hotel was too far from the community for my husband to drive anyone back since he wasn’t sober. There would have been no way to drive a person to Baltimore with us because we had no room in the car.
Life, as I know it, is status quo. There were two times since I last posted that I made a HUGE effort to make things better with my husband.
One was prior to our weekend trip to California for my husband’s grandparents’ birthdays. I made the biggest effort then. Honest to G-d I did. I was sweet and friendly and affectionate. I was caring and considerate and even-tempered. Packing for the trip went smoothly, the ride to the airport was fine, the whole plane trip went off without a hitch, getting the rental car was easy sailing…
(Enter HITCH, stage right)
I said to my husband that after we stop at the hotel and put our stuff down, we should go to the grocery store, pick up stuff for the weekend (Our Shabbos food was being catered but we would be stuck in the hotel since the party would be on Sunday at his aunt and uncle’s house but we were staying in the hotel, not near an eruv.) After we get the food, I said, let’s pick up the pack ‘n play and then I would like to be able to rest a bit, take a shower and bathe our son and then we could go to his aunt and uncle to visit for a while before Shabbos.
His answer? NO. Not “Let’s compromise somehow.”, but a very clearly spoken “NO.”
So I said to him, “How about you leave us at the hotel, go to your aunt and uncle, we will rest and shower and then call you to come back and get us? That would be a good compromise and that way you can visit more with your relatives.” His answer? NO.
So he shlepped us to his aunt and uncle’s house and we didn’t get back to the hotel until 35 minutes before Shabbos. That gave me enough time to take a shower WITH my son while my husband went to the store again for some drinks which we had forgotten to buy the first time we were out. (Which I had never done before alone, usually my husband would take my son out after because he is so slippery and I am scared I will drop him when taking him out of the tub if I am wet also. Besides, how am I supposed to get him dressed while I am all wet?)
Naturally, you can imagine that my mood went the way of the stock market after 9/11. (I know, weird analogy, but I have 9/11 on my mind lately.)
That trip was at the beginning of September. After that we had a few therapy sessions where it was a lot of back and forth about how I am not acting like I should be, not showing affection etc and that I have to work on US just like he does. He even went so far as to say how I am not acting like a wife. So our therapist pointed out how I do act like a wife and made mention of what a great mother I am to our son. At which point he said “I could hire a nanny for that.” Isn’t he just a marvelously wonderful man?
So a couple weeks ago I decided to give it another go and try to be nice and affectionate etc. Without going into any details, he appreciated the gesture as any man would. Then, and I honestly don’t recall, he did something to piss me off and it just escalated (or deteriorated) from there.
He has also been complaining a lot about how I exclude him from get-togethers. So we had a huge shouting match about it wherein I explained to him that the get-togethers he felt excluded from, he was INTENTIONALLY excluded from with the exception of one. Allow me, my loyal reading audience (assuming you haven’t fallen asleep yet) to list these get-togethers:
1. Spa Day – I went with 2 female friends to a spa in northern Jersey for manicures, pedicures, massages and facials. Yes, he was NOT invited.
2. Mani/Pedi and Indian Food – I went with 3 female friends and my sister out for manicures and pedicures and then for Indian food. Yes, he was NOT invited.
3. My birthday party – I didn’t organize it!! My sister and a female friend (I will call her D) did and it was just the three. He complained that he wasn’t invited and I told him point blank “You knew about it, they called you to see if that date was ok. If you wanted to be invited, YELL at them not me!”
Then there was the get-together which ended up sort of being a birthday party for one of my girlfriends (D, you know that I still don’t consider it enough for you!! Next year will be BIG!!) We went to a comedy club. Me, my husband, my sister (who he didn’t want invited because he felt that it should be the ‘adults’ and he doesn’t see her in our age group – she is 9 years younger than I am – so he didn’t want her to go) and our female friend who had arranged for the evening in the first place. That get-together he went to.
Finally, there was the birthday outing for my sister. The last of the three of us to have a birthday and D and I decided to take her to Stomp!. Originally, I had not wanted to invite my husband since the idea really was to have the three of us (me, my sister and D) together. There was to be a street fair that day in the city so I thought (silly me) that all FOUR of us (my husband, sister, D and I) would walk around the fair and then my husband would take my son home so that D and I could take my sister out to eat and to Stomp!. My husband strongly disagreed with this idea (and that is being complementary to the fight that ensued when I brought up this plan.) So in the end, my sister and D went to dinner and we all four met up at Stomp! after we took my son back home to a babysitter.
Let me not forget to talk about the street fair itself. It was the street fair for the 92nd Street Y which meant that it had crafts and stuff for kids to do. So we went to the tent where they were making little honey dishes for Rosh Hashanah and Challah covers and wouldn’t you know, all of a sudden I was toting around TWO children. Because my husband insisted on doing a Challah cover. I sat working with my son on his honey dish and my husband made his Challah cover. I don’t need to spell out what the problem was with that situation.
So I had a reason for writing all this. He pointed out to me that I had not done anything for his birthday (which was 3 weeks after I had a metal plate and screws put into my leg). I found that to be very unfair but I am still valiantly trying to plan a 29.5 birthday party for him that will, G-d willing, take place this Sunday. I attempted to invite his friends, but darned if I know who they are. I honestly don't think he has any.
My sister got married at the beginning of August. The wedding itself was amazing. My husband, on the other hand, was a horror. He acted alternatively like it was HIS sister getting married and like a spare tire one had to lug around. Over Shabbos he made a HUGE to do about the fact that he wasn’t invited to the Shabbos Kallah. Telling me how it was sexist and that he should be allowed to go. I hate being guilt tripped about something so asinine! I mean COME FREAKIN ON! It is a FREAKIN Shabbos KALLAH!! For the KALLAH and her friends!!
Then, at the wedding, I asked my husband to take our son to the Kallah room so he could rest since he was all wired and hadn’t had a nap. The music was very loud and he needed to be away from the craziness for a while. He said “NO. I told you we should have a babysitter and you chose not to get one so if you want me to watch him we will stay in this room because I want to watch the dancing.” Mind you, he wasn’t actually dancing. He was just watching. I, on the other hand, had been dancing WITH our son the WHOLE time IN my arms. All 32 pounds of him. So I took one look at my husband, picked our son up and walked out of the room to the Kallah room. He came in a bit later and I basically told him to go away and leave me alone with our son.
Regarding having a babysitter, it was impossible. I didn’t know anyone to hire who lived in Baltimore, we wouldn’t have been able to afford to put the person up in the hotel we were at and the hotel was too far from the community for my husband to drive anyone back since he wasn’t sober. There would have been no way to drive a person to Baltimore with us because we had no room in the car.
Life, as I know it, is status quo. There were two times since I last posted that I made a HUGE effort to make things better with my husband.
One was prior to our weekend trip to California for my husband’s grandparents’ birthdays. I made the biggest effort then. Honest to G-d I did. I was sweet and friendly and affectionate. I was caring and considerate and even-tempered. Packing for the trip went smoothly, the ride to the airport was fine, the whole plane trip went off without a hitch, getting the rental car was easy sailing…
(Enter HITCH, stage right)
I said to my husband that after we stop at the hotel and put our stuff down, we should go to the grocery store, pick up stuff for the weekend (Our Shabbos food was being catered but we would be stuck in the hotel since the party would be on Sunday at his aunt and uncle’s house but we were staying in the hotel, not near an eruv.) After we get the food, I said, let’s pick up the pack ‘n play and then I would like to be able to rest a bit, take a shower and bathe our son and then we could go to his aunt and uncle to visit for a while before Shabbos.
His answer? NO. Not “Let’s compromise somehow.”, but a very clearly spoken “NO.”
So I said to him, “How about you leave us at the hotel, go to your aunt and uncle, we will rest and shower and then call you to come back and get us? That would be a good compromise and that way you can visit more with your relatives.” His answer? NO.
So he shlepped us to his aunt and uncle’s house and we didn’t get back to the hotel until 35 minutes before Shabbos. That gave me enough time to take a shower WITH my son while my husband went to the store again for some drinks which we had forgotten to buy the first time we were out. (Which I had never done before alone, usually my husband would take my son out after because he is so slippery and I am scared I will drop him when taking him out of the tub if I am wet also. Besides, how am I supposed to get him dressed while I am all wet?)
Naturally, you can imagine that my mood went the way of the stock market after 9/11. (I know, weird analogy, but I have 9/11 on my mind lately.)
That trip was at the beginning of September. After that we had a few therapy sessions where it was a lot of back and forth about how I am not acting like I should be, not showing affection etc and that I have to work on US just like he does. He even went so far as to say how I am not acting like a wife. So our therapist pointed out how I do act like a wife and made mention of what a great mother I am to our son. At which point he said “I could hire a nanny for that.” Isn’t he just a marvelously wonderful man?
So a couple weeks ago I decided to give it another go and try to be nice and affectionate etc. Without going into any details, he appreciated the gesture as any man would. Then, and I honestly don’t recall, he did something to piss me off and it just escalated (or deteriorated) from there.
He has also been complaining a lot about how I exclude him from get-togethers. So we had a huge shouting match about it wherein I explained to him that the get-togethers he felt excluded from, he was INTENTIONALLY excluded from with the exception of one. Allow me, my loyal reading audience (assuming you haven’t fallen asleep yet) to list these get-togethers:
1. Spa Day – I went with 2 female friends to a spa in northern Jersey for manicures, pedicures, massages and facials. Yes, he was NOT invited.
2. Mani/Pedi and Indian Food – I went with 3 female friends and my sister out for manicures and pedicures and then for Indian food. Yes, he was NOT invited.
3. My birthday party – I didn’t organize it!! My sister and a female friend (I will call her D) did and it was just the three. He complained that he wasn’t invited and I told him point blank “You knew about it, they called you to see if that date was ok. If you wanted to be invited, YELL at them not me!”
Then there was the get-together which ended up sort of being a birthday party for one of my girlfriends (D, you know that I still don’t consider it enough for you!! Next year will be BIG!!) We went to a comedy club. Me, my husband, my sister (who he didn’t want invited because he felt that it should be the ‘adults’ and he doesn’t see her in our age group – she is 9 years younger than I am – so he didn’t want her to go) and our female friend who had arranged for the evening in the first place. That get-together he went to.
Finally, there was the birthday outing for my sister. The last of the three of us to have a birthday and D and I decided to take her to Stomp!. Originally, I had not wanted to invite my husband since the idea really was to have the three of us (me, my sister and D) together. There was to be a street fair that day in the city so I thought (silly me) that all FOUR of us (my husband, sister, D and I) would walk around the fair and then my husband would take my son home so that D and I could take my sister out to eat and to Stomp!. My husband strongly disagreed with this idea (and that is being complementary to the fight that ensued when I brought up this plan.) So in the end, my sister and D went to dinner and we all four met up at Stomp! after we took my son back home to a babysitter.
Let me not forget to talk about the street fair itself. It was the street fair for the 92nd Street Y which meant that it had crafts and stuff for kids to do. So we went to the tent where they were making little honey dishes for Rosh Hashanah and Challah covers and wouldn’t you know, all of a sudden I was toting around TWO children. Because my husband insisted on doing a Challah cover. I sat working with my son on his honey dish and my husband made his Challah cover. I don’t need to spell out what the problem was with that situation.
So I had a reason for writing all this. He pointed out to me that I had not done anything for his birthday (which was 3 weeks after I had a metal plate and screws put into my leg). I found that to be very unfair but I am still valiantly trying to plan a 29.5 birthday party for him that will, G-d willing, take place this Sunday. I attempted to invite his friends, but darned if I know who they are. I honestly don't think he has any.
Two recent incidents come to mind of yet more examples of how I honestly wonder why he is fighting me to keep this marriage going. (Yet, during the writing of this, I have forgotten the other incident so I will only write the first one for now.)
On Monday I was having a phantom gall bladder attack. We have begun to take the train in to the city now that my leg is nearly fully healed, but that morning it took my husband too long to find his key card for his office so I insisted that we drive in so I wasn’t late to work. I thought that since we had the car in the city, maybe he could leave work at 6:30 as opposed to his usual 7/7:30, of late, and take us home so that I wouldn’t have to shlep my son on the train all the way home (2 trains and a bus are required for the commute). So anyway, I called him at 5:30 to see if I could come to his office and we could leave by 6:30 and I told him I was in pain. He told me he had a new intake client who was supposed to be there at 5:00 who hadn’t yet shown and so he didn’t know if he could commit to leaving at 6:30, that I might have to wait until 7. So I told him to forget it and I went home on my own.
If you are still reading this, then kudos to you! Comments, as always, are warmly welcomed!
posted by energynorm at
11:41 AM
|
2 comments
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
How lucky is that doggie in the window?
Tonight my husband told me I am lucky. Why, you might ask, would he say that? Even more importantly, is he right?
Well, it goes like this. The day started off quite all right. Got to work on time (even early) and we both did what we have to do at our respective jobs. After work, I picked up my son from daycare, and as I do most days, I went with him and my sister for a walk to while away the time until my husband could pick us up. It turns out that that the Gymboree that my son goes to had an “open night” and so we went there for a half hour or so.
After, we headed to a nearby bagel eatery and sat down to eat, at which point I called my husband and told him “We got here at 6:15 (it was 6:30 at the time) and so if you want to leave work late to pick us up you can since we are eating now. Also, tell me what you want so I can get something for you before we leave.”
He said “Actually, that is good because I have something I need to work on so I would like to leave a little late anyway.”
I said “OK, but can you try to make it that you leave around 6:50 or so?”
He said “OK, no problem.”
At 6:57 I called him to ask what he would like to order since he hadn’t told me and he gave me his order. He said “I will be leaving the office in about 5 minutes.”
I said “Please call me when you are at the garage getting the car so I have an idea of where to tell you we are since we are heading to a certain avenue.”
He said “OK” and we said “Good bye.”
Now, if you are still following my anal time keeping, he should have called me at around 7:05/7:10 to say he either is in the garage getting the car or GOT the car and is on his way. Mind you, his office is across the street from the garage.
Anyway, he called at 7:29 saying “I just left the garage. Where are you now?”
I said “We are about 15 blocks south of where the bagel place is, where are you?”
Well, he finally showed up and we got in the car and were going on our (not so) merry way when he says to me “I am going to pick up my cousin at the airport on Sunday at 9 AM.”
I should preface this by saying that the past two Sundays that we had therapy, he went alone since things were ok with us and I didn’t think I needed to go but he wanted to go for himself. It was something we discussed both times and agreed upon. This Sunday happened to be a Sunday I wanted (or should I say needed?) to go, so I was kind of thrown for a loop that he would schedule to pick his cousin up at the time of the appointment.
Anyway, he totally didn’t want to get into it in the car, so I waited until we were at home and my son in bed before I brought it up again. First though, I brought up the fact that he was late. What a mistake. He went totally nutso from the get-go. Going on and on about how I have to maybe see the therapist on my own because obviously I have a problem if I cant handle him being late every once in a while. I told him I just cant rely on him and he said he wasn’t so late. I told him that he was late, and if it is 20 minutes or an hour, if he tells me he is leaving in 5 min and then he doesn’t, he should call. He started telling me how I didn’t have to deal with deadlines and work popping up last minute and that he was at work for 11 hours today etc etc. I said that I had a long day also (to which he replied “Not as long as mine!” Reminded me very much of the folks from my infertility board who like to compare who is suffering more from their infertility. Catch my drift?) I also pointed out that just because I am not a lawyer doesn’t mean that I don’t have deadlines and work popping up and piling up for that matter, but that I don’t bring that stress home with me. And that from the moment we started speaking, he has been ranting and I have been calm. Then he told me how I am lucky that this is all I have to complain about because other marriages have worse problems.
Anyway, we wont get into that any more at the moment. I also brought up the whole canceling therapy thing. He said that he will take care of it but I said I still want to go. He said that I haven’t gone in weeks now. Which, technically, is true. Three weeks ago he went alone. Two weeks ago neither of us went because my sister got married. Last week he went alone. But as I mentioned above, each time he went alone we discussed it. I said this time I want to go and we can go in the evening. He said no we cant, because he has a hard time finding parking. I said so we will take the train. He said no because he doesn’t want to. That he will call and see if there is an evening appointment and will get back to me.
Incidentally, for those who are loyal readers, this isn’t the first time he has said no to me point blank without room for discussion. On Sunday we were in Costco and I told him I would like to get a laptop because I want to get wireless internet (which I found out only costs in the purchase of a wireless router – who knew?) and he said no. Point blank, folks. Just like that. The gods have spoken in the form of my husband and a law has been laid down and there is simply no room for discussion. Sucks for me, right? Anyway, in a few months I will have to take off 8 days from work to watch my son (no hardship, I assure you) as his daycare will have winter break and to hire a babysitter will cost us $720. Well, let me assure you that the savings will be going towards my laptop. Yes sir. No one is going to tell me how to spend my money, especially after we got him a GPS since he cant find his way out of a damn box with a map and a high tech fancy shmancy digital camera since the one we had wasn’t good enough for him. Oh, and by the way, according to him the new camera was my idea. I can assure you that the digital camcorder we ALSO got wasn’t my idea. Damn straight the laptop is, and it WILL be mine.
Well, I am sure I have bored you enough for one day. Comments, as always, are welcome. To paraphrase Bill O’Reiley, feel free to opine.
Well, it goes like this. The day started off quite all right. Got to work on time (even early) and we both did what we have to do at our respective jobs. After work, I picked up my son from daycare, and as I do most days, I went with him and my sister for a walk to while away the time until my husband could pick us up. It turns out that that the Gymboree that my son goes to had an “open night” and so we went there for a half hour or so.
After, we headed to a nearby bagel eatery and sat down to eat, at which point I called my husband and told him “We got here at 6:15 (it was 6:30 at the time) and so if you want to leave work late to pick us up you can since we are eating now. Also, tell me what you want so I can get something for you before we leave.”
He said “Actually, that is good because I have something I need to work on so I would like to leave a little late anyway.”
I said “OK, but can you try to make it that you leave around 6:50 or so?”
He said “OK, no problem.”
At 6:57 I called him to ask what he would like to order since he hadn’t told me and he gave me his order. He said “I will be leaving the office in about 5 minutes.”
I said “Please call me when you are at the garage getting the car so I have an idea of where to tell you we are since we are heading to a certain avenue.”
He said “OK” and we said “Good bye.”
Now, if you are still following my anal time keeping, he should have called me at around 7:05/7:10 to say he either is in the garage getting the car or GOT the car and is on his way. Mind you, his office is across the street from the garage.
Anyway, he called at 7:29 saying “I just left the garage. Where are you now?”
I said “We are about 15 blocks south of where the bagel place is, where are you?”
Well, he finally showed up and we got in the car and were going on our (not so) merry way when he says to me “I am going to pick up my cousin at the airport on Sunday at 9 AM.”
I should preface this by saying that the past two Sundays that we had therapy, he went alone since things were ok with us and I didn’t think I needed to go but he wanted to go for himself. It was something we discussed both times and agreed upon. This Sunday happened to be a Sunday I wanted (or should I say needed?) to go, so I was kind of thrown for a loop that he would schedule to pick his cousin up at the time of the appointment.
Anyway, he totally didn’t want to get into it in the car, so I waited until we were at home and my son in bed before I brought it up again. First though, I brought up the fact that he was late. What a mistake. He went totally nutso from the get-go. Going on and on about how I have to maybe see the therapist on my own because obviously I have a problem if I cant handle him being late every once in a while. I told him I just cant rely on him and he said he wasn’t so late. I told him that he was late, and if it is 20 minutes or an hour, if he tells me he is leaving in 5 min and then he doesn’t, he should call. He started telling me how I didn’t have to deal with deadlines and work popping up last minute and that he was at work for 11 hours today etc etc. I said that I had a long day also (to which he replied “Not as long as mine!” Reminded me very much of the folks from my infertility board who like to compare who is suffering more from their infertility. Catch my drift?) I also pointed out that just because I am not a lawyer doesn’t mean that I don’t have deadlines and work popping up and piling up for that matter, but that I don’t bring that stress home with me. And that from the moment we started speaking, he has been ranting and I have been calm. Then he told me how I am lucky that this is all I have to complain about because other marriages have worse problems.
Anyway, we wont get into that any more at the moment. I also brought up the whole canceling therapy thing. He said that he will take care of it but I said I still want to go. He said that I haven’t gone in weeks now. Which, technically, is true. Three weeks ago he went alone. Two weeks ago neither of us went because my sister got married. Last week he went alone. But as I mentioned above, each time he went alone we discussed it. I said this time I want to go and we can go in the evening. He said no we cant, because he has a hard time finding parking. I said so we will take the train. He said no because he doesn’t want to. That he will call and see if there is an evening appointment and will get back to me.
Incidentally, for those who are loyal readers, this isn’t the first time he has said no to me point blank without room for discussion. On Sunday we were in Costco and I told him I would like to get a laptop because I want to get wireless internet (which I found out only costs in the purchase of a wireless router – who knew?) and he said no. Point blank, folks. Just like that. The gods have spoken in the form of my husband and a law has been laid down and there is simply no room for discussion. Sucks for me, right? Anyway, in a few months I will have to take off 8 days from work to watch my son (no hardship, I assure you) as his daycare will have winter break and to hire a babysitter will cost us $720. Well, let me assure you that the savings will be going towards my laptop. Yes sir. No one is going to tell me how to spend my money, especially after we got him a GPS since he cant find his way out of a damn box with a map and a high tech fancy shmancy digital camera since the one we had wasn’t good enough for him. Oh, and by the way, according to him the new camera was my idea. I can assure you that the digital camcorder we ALSO got wasn’t my idea. Damn straight the laptop is, and it WILL be mine.
Well, I am sure I have bored you enough for one day. Comments, as always, are welcome. To paraphrase Bill O’Reiley, feel free to opine.
posted by energynorm at
11:08 PM
|
4 comments
Monday, July 31, 2006
Who woulda thunk it?
I actually think that some headway is being made in my relationship with my husband. I can say with all honesty that I don't know what caused it, on my part OR his, but for some reason, progress is being made. I find myself being more affectionate towards him, wanting to do things for him, able to communicate better with him and get my message across better about my feelings.
Yesterday my husband and I had an evening appointment to go for therapy. I spoke with him in the morning and asked him if he thought we really needed to go. I said that as far as I was concerned, we had had a really good week, and so I didnt see why we would need to go unless he disagreed with my assessment of the week. He agreed with the fact that we didnt need to go, but that he wanted to go alone, to work on his stuff. I was very proud of him for having said that.
A friend of mine told me yesterday that I looked very happy, more so than I have lately. I replied that my husband is the reason. Who woulda thunk it?
Yesterday my husband and I had an evening appointment to go for therapy. I spoke with him in the morning and asked him if he thought we really needed to go. I said that as far as I was concerned, we had had a really good week, and so I didnt see why we would need to go unless he disagreed with my assessment of the week. He agreed with the fact that we didnt need to go, but that he wanted to go alone, to work on his stuff. I was very proud of him for having said that.
A friend of mine told me yesterday that I looked very happy, more so than I have lately. I replied that my husband is the reason. Who woulda thunk it?
posted by energynorm at
1:25 PM
|
3 comments
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I'm Sorry
Story #1
After the dishes, my husband still hadn't approached me to talk, so I just dropped it. Just wasn't in the mood I guess. On Friday he brought home flowers for Shabbos (that is his new thing - a result of probably too many therapy sessions) and a single flower for me as well. I said thank you, put it in a vase and went on with getting things ready before Shabbos.
He came over to me and said "Can you come into the bedroom, I want to show you something?" So I said "OK", went into the bedroom and he hands me one of those little cards from the florist shop. It says on it "I'm Sorry". But that is ALL it said on it.
I said to him "What is this for?"
He said "You know what it is for."
I said "I really don't. Can you tell me or write it in the card?"
He said "The card was too small to write it all."
I said "So can you tell me?"
He said "You know what it is for."
I chose (due to how close Shabbos was and knowing I had a lot to do and out of a desire not to let this get into a full blown out thing) to just drop it and said "OK." I wasn't sure what to DO with this blank card, so I just put it on a shelf and went back to my preparations.
Story #2
On the Sunday after the whole "card" incident, my husband and I were standing in the kitchen. I had the beginnings of a migraine, but in all fairness I hadn't told my husband. I was very mellow and quiet and not all that talkative. Anyway, we were standing there in the kitchen discussing the fact that our front door lock doesn't work well and my husband says to me "Call the guy who did the door and tell him about the problem."
I am not quoting exactly but I am quoting with the same phraseology.
I looked at him, and I KNOW I had two options, but I chose the one that came out as "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. I am not your secretary and it would be nice if you said 'please'."
His response?
"I am talking like that to you because you have been speaking not nicely to me all day."
I said to him, rather calmly "How do you expect anything to work out if you treat every action of yours as excusable because you are acting the way I am? I told you how I feel about the way you are speaking. If you have a problem with the way I speak, the mature way to handle it is NOT to speak in kind, but to tell me you have a problem with it."
I left the kitchen and came back a half hour later. He turned to me and said "I'm sorry."
So here is the first problem. My temper doesn't cool down so quickly. The second problem is that I am not sorry for my actions in either of those incidents. Therefore, I didn't apologize. However, my husband will have thought that I should and will mention in therapy that once again he apologizes and I do not. *sigh*
After the dishes, my husband still hadn't approached me to talk, so I just dropped it. Just wasn't in the mood I guess. On Friday he brought home flowers for Shabbos (that is his new thing - a result of probably too many therapy sessions) and a single flower for me as well. I said thank you, put it in a vase and went on with getting things ready before Shabbos.
He came over to me and said "Can you come into the bedroom, I want to show you something?" So I said "OK", went into the bedroom and he hands me one of those little cards from the florist shop. It says on it "I'm Sorry". But that is ALL it said on it.
I said to him "What is this for?"
He said "You know what it is for."
I said "I really don't. Can you tell me or write it in the card?"
He said "The card was too small to write it all."
I said "So can you tell me?"
He said "You know what it is for."
I chose (due to how close Shabbos was and knowing I had a lot to do and out of a desire not to let this get into a full blown out thing) to just drop it and said "OK." I wasn't sure what to DO with this blank card, so I just put it on a shelf and went back to my preparations.
Story #2
On the Sunday after the whole "card" incident, my husband and I were standing in the kitchen. I had the beginnings of a migraine, but in all fairness I hadn't told my husband. I was very mellow and quiet and not all that talkative. Anyway, we were standing there in the kitchen discussing the fact that our front door lock doesn't work well and my husband says to me "Call the guy who did the door and tell him about the problem."
I am not quoting exactly but I am quoting with the same phraseology.
I looked at him, and I KNOW I had two options, but I chose the one that came out as "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. I am not your secretary and it would be nice if you said 'please'."
His response?
"I am talking like that to you because you have been speaking not nicely to me all day."
I said to him, rather calmly "How do you expect anything to work out if you treat every action of yours as excusable because you are acting the way I am? I told you how I feel about the way you are speaking. If you have a problem with the way I speak, the mature way to handle it is NOT to speak in kind, but to tell me you have a problem with it."
I left the kitchen and came back a half hour later. He turned to me and said "I'm sorry."
So here is the first problem. My temper doesn't cool down so quickly. The second problem is that I am not sorry for my actions in either of those incidents. Therefore, I didn't apologize. However, my husband will have thought that I should and will mention in therapy that once again he apologizes and I do not. *sigh*
posted by energynorm at
11:33 AM
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2 comments
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Stop The Insanity!
“DH” says:
Never mind. You missed my point
EnergyNorm says:
Can you try to make it again?
“DH” says:
I thought you sounded cold because you were brief in your statements. Generally, you are not that way. I saw the difference and interpreted as cold.
EnergyNorm says:
But you misinterpreted bc on my end I was on the phone, working and IMing. I don’t spend hours at a time chatting and I don’t chat with dozens of people.
“DH” says:
Fine
“DH” says:
Never mind then
EnergyNorm says:
How do you ever expect us to make any progress if I am sitting here making an effort to understand and you are not communicating? Instead you shut down each time.
“DH” says:
I told you what I had to say. What else did you want to hear? We can talk tonight
EnergyNorm says:
What I wanted to hear was that you realize that I wasn’t being cold. bc as it stands now, you still feel I was cold, in spite of my explanation
“DH” says:
true
“DH” says:
but that's just the way you have been more often than not
EnergyNorm says:
you know, I really try so hard. last week I wrote this whole email to you in which I thought I did a pretty good job addressing my feelings and yours and trying to find a solution to the problem you are having with not being included in 'extracurricular activities'. instead of even responding you pretty much ignored that I had written it, almost up to and including the couple times I mentioned it.
“DH” says:
I will address it
EnergyNorm says:
I have been trying to be more affectionate to you and instead you are more snappy at me. I try to back down when you ask me to but you aren’t making an effort to even try to respond the way we spoke about in therapy so that I wont feel like I am being shot at all the time.
EnergyNorm says:
you will address it? what does that mean exactly? it is outdated already. yesterday was when I wanted to go shoot pool and go out to eat. with another couple or with just you.
EnergyNorm says:
I just really don’t understand at all what you think anymore.
“DH” says:
I can't talk now
“DH” says:
but I will later
EnergyNorm says:
well, you figure out when. After E goes to bed, my sister and I are doing shabbos shopping and when I come home I am doing dishes.
“DH” says:
Ok
Never mind. You missed my point
EnergyNorm says:
Can you try to make it again?
“DH” says:
I thought you sounded cold because you were brief in your statements. Generally, you are not that way. I saw the difference and interpreted as cold.
EnergyNorm says:
But you misinterpreted bc on my end I was on the phone, working and IMing. I don’t spend hours at a time chatting and I don’t chat with dozens of people.
“DH” says:
Fine
“DH” says:
Never mind then
EnergyNorm says:
How do you ever expect us to make any progress if I am sitting here making an effort to understand and you are not communicating? Instead you shut down each time.
“DH” says:
I told you what I had to say. What else did you want to hear? We can talk tonight
EnergyNorm says:
What I wanted to hear was that you realize that I wasn’t being cold. bc as it stands now, you still feel I was cold, in spite of my explanation
“DH” says:
true
“DH” says:
but that's just the way you have been more often than not
EnergyNorm says:
you know, I really try so hard. last week I wrote this whole email to you in which I thought I did a pretty good job addressing my feelings and yours and trying to find a solution to the problem you are having with not being included in 'extracurricular activities'. instead of even responding you pretty much ignored that I had written it, almost up to and including the couple times I mentioned it.
“DH” says:
I will address it
EnergyNorm says:
I have been trying to be more affectionate to you and instead you are more snappy at me. I try to back down when you ask me to but you aren’t making an effort to even try to respond the way we spoke about in therapy so that I wont feel like I am being shot at all the time.
EnergyNorm says:
you will address it? what does that mean exactly? it is outdated already. yesterday was when I wanted to go shoot pool and go out to eat. with another couple or with just you.
EnergyNorm says:
I just really don’t understand at all what you think anymore.
“DH” says:
I can't talk now
“DH” says:
but I will later
EnergyNorm says:
well, you figure out when. After E goes to bed, my sister and I are doing shabbos shopping and when I come home I am doing dishes.
“DH” says:
Ok
posted by energynorm at
3:25 PM
|
2 comments
