Hi Y'all

I know, I know, it has been a while. I just haven’t been in the writing mood. There have been so many deaths and tragedies around me lately that I begin to wonder if I am a bad luck charm! I know I am not, just thinking out loud here. No one who died was anyone I knew personally, but they were people directly connected to people I know personally. How is that for confusing? Over the past month there have been 4. I thought everything bad happened in three’s? There is one more that will die soon. He is brain dead right now but given time his whole body will expire. I don’t like that word, by the way. Expire. He isn’t a prepackaged meal that you can store on your shelf. But such is the English language. Regardless of how we pronounce the words in our lovely yet confusing language, the words are there and they are meant to be used. In this situation, expired seems to fit. Stress is my middle name though so I guess I can handle as much as life dishes out to me. If I couldn’t, I would have gone into early labor from all the stress that went on at the end of my pregnancy!

So, what else is going on in my life? Things are looking more positive lately. My husband has been on his medications and his mood is much mellower. A close friend and I are planning a trip to a day spa in February. I have never been to one. Does anyone have any treatments that they can recommend? I have to talk to my chiropractor to see what kind of massages I might not be allowed to have because of my sciatica. My husband bought tickets for us to go see Avenue Q. For anyone who thinks it is only a play with Muppets, think again. The fact that one of the songs in the show is “The Internet is for Porn” should tell you it is much more than some puppets J I have been wanting to see it for a long time.

Well, that is all for now. Hope everyone is doing well! Looking forward to your comments!

Labor Pains

It has now been two weeks since my husband started taking his anti depressants. The side effects are ever-present and just as strong as day 1, most notably, his exhaustion. He and his doctor are working on that.

What I have noticed, though, is a definite change in him. I won't say he has done a complete turn-about. However, he is certainly easier to live with. Slowly, I find myself forgetting the way he has been, specifically over the past year and a half or so. Forgetting his behavior as one forgets labor pains. Knowing that they were there, but looking at the end result instead. On the flip side, knowing that they could happen again given the right situation.

I wonder if he realizes how close he was to pushing me out the door, albeit inadvertantly. That isn't to say that I am not still contemplating a life different than the one I currently am leading. I am just not in as much of a hurry to take the quickest route to said life.

I want my time. I want to have a chance to grow and be something better than what I am. I want a chance to explore my potential and to find a way to leave a bigger impact on the world. I want to find out who I am.

Sometimes I feel like the character played by Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride. Like a person who bases her likes and dislikes on the people around her, but never really knows what her REAL preferences are. I am the type of person who tries to please everyone. Lately, I feel that crumbling. I find myself screwing up more than fixing up.

So what is my solution? Just like Julia Roberts' character, I am going to take a step back. Find myself. Figure out what I want out of life.

Then I am going after it.

To pop or not to pop - THAT is the question

So, as you know, I wasn't all that thrilled about having to take anti-depressants. I simply did not feel I needed to. Even after speaking to some close friends who felt it "couldn't hurt" and that "maybe it will help you see things clearer" I just couldn't see myself taking them. Many of you do not know the REAL me, but if you did, you would see what a strong individual I am and how the very thought of being dependant on anything for my happiness, even a teeny tiny pill, had more of a debilitating effect on me than anything else that has happened in my life thus far.

So I spoke with the therapist last night about it. I asked her point blank in my "me only" session why she thinks I need the meds. She basically explained that two things made her think I was mildly depressed: 1) That I was VERY weepy on Sunday in our couples session and 2) That I said in that same session that if I left that I would leave my son with my husband. Last night I explained those two things. 1) My best male friend's close friend died and he was so distraught over it (understandably). But because of how close I am to him, I felt distraught over his sadness. That is why I was so sad. 2) It is easier to leave my son with my husband than battle with him over my son. Especially since I dont know how permanent the "leaving" is.

So the end result? I dont have to go to the psychiatrist and I dont have to go on meds. Thank goodness.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!

OK, new rules, same old blog. From now on, due to some infestations of unwanted comments, I will be moderating my blog. This means that while I can freely post a blog, if you post comments I have to approve them before they go up. There shouldn't be too much of a delay in posting comments, however dont be surprised if yours doesnt go up if it is totally unhelpful and nasty.

Life has been interesting in the house of Norm. My husband has begun medications which have left him both VERY tired and more mellow. I have come to the realization that he is not the sole reason for my wanting to leave the life I currently lead. No, indeed, I am the reason I want out. Allow me to explain.

I dont like the way my life is going and I want to make changes. My husband thinks that if he is not the reason that I want to leave then I shouldnt leave. Simple as that. He also feels that if I feel this way then maybe I need to be on meds as well. The therapist agrees. Let's see what the psychiatrist says on Monday.

I know my husband feels threatened. But this morning he hugs me and tells me "it will be alright" like I am some dimwitted suicidal maniac and I need to be treated with kid gloves and then blows up when I ask him why he thinks I need therapy. In case you were wondering, here is his answer: "Because you are showing signs of depression. Feelings of being overwhelmed, feeling the need to 'escape'." My response? "Everyone feels that way. But a depressed person who feels that way stops all activity. Shuts down. I am not shutting down."

It is not so simple though. Mainly because I havent figured it all out yet! If I do take medications though, I think that the most they will do is to make me more focused (though personally I think I am focused).

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are spinning in a circle with a thousand things all around you and you dont know where to turn? I feel that way. If the meds will do anything they will help point me in the direction to turn. I dont think they will stop me from feeling like I need to find out what it is about me that is dissatisfied.

My husband doesnt understand why I am not happy. I dont understand either. I know there is a reason though. I guess part of me feels unfulfilled. How do I feel unfulfilled, you ask? I dont know. It is just a sense I have about things.

Something I can not put into words.