Surfacing

A few of my loyal readers have been wondering where I have been the past few days. Things have been relatively tame at home. A part of it is because my husband has been trying to change. I appreciate the effort, I really do. What I need to see is how long it will last and how much I care about it lasting. We still have our first therapy scheduled for Aug. 31. I am honest enough with myself (though not with my husband) to say that I am not sure I care at all about it lasting or about us lasting. Another part of the tameness is that I am packing to move. So that takes enough energy that there is none left use for arguing.

I went out with some girlfriends last night and everything we spoke about, I felt like when I was contributing, all I was saying was "I dont go there because my husband doesnt like it" or "I dont watch that because my husband doesnt like it". It was liberating to be out until midnight.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that while a lot of nothing is going on, a lot of something is going on too.

Hamevin yavin.

Mood Test

Take the mood test! http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

MOOD ANALYSIS TEST RESULTS
You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favorable impressions and to be recognized by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavors go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.
Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.
Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

25 Things About Me

My friend NormalJew (http://www.jewishissues.blogspot.com/) had these questions, with his answers on his blog today. Since he found it amusing to reply, I thought I would do the same! Here you go!

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My face.
2. How much cash do you have on you right now? About $25
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Rest
4. Favorite plant? Gardenia bush
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My husband
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? Fantasy
7. What shirt are you wearing? A tshirt from Lane Bryant
8. Do you "label" yourself? All the time
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? xhilaration
10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room? Dark room hands down!
11. What did you have for breakfast? A bowl of Basic 4 and ice tea
12. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping
13. Last thought you had before you had a wreck? Crap (I was in the wreck, didn't drive. I don't drive)
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "I'll just bug you here"
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? Never!
16. What's an expression that you say a lot? Okee dokee
17. Who told you they loved you last? A friend
18. Last furry thing you touched? My cat
19. How many hours a week do you work? 35 -40
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? 1
21. Favourite age you have been so far? 18
22. Your worst enemy? Myself
23. What is your current desk top picture? My son.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I miss you.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes which would you choose? For sure the latter.

Feel free to answer the same stuff about yourself on your own blogs.

Hashing it OUT!

So yesterday my husband decided we HAVE to talk. He doesn't want me to go to a therapist on my own, he wants us only to go together. After a ton of back and forth, I told him that if he wants to see her together, he has to make the appointment. So he called her and left a message. So far no appointment, because she hasn't called back.

After I got home, we drove to a nearby park and sat to talk. I again explained to him how I am unhappy with so much, not just about him but just in my own life as well. Naturally and I guess understandably, he took it as I am saying it is all about him. So he asked me to point things out. I gave some examples of my issues:

• We have nothing in common
• I feel like a housekeeper and that there is no respect coming from him bc when I ask him to do things, he just doesn't
• He makes me feel like a bad mother because he questions how I do things

Those are all the main examples I can remember at this point.

He said, "We do have things in common!"

I said "Yeah? What?"

He said "Family, us."

I said "That just isn't enough! You can't have a lifelong relationship based only on love/lust. You need to have common interests."

He asked me "Why not? We have common interests."

I said "Like what?"

So he started going on about a vacation he wants to take to go camping or hiking. I told him I don't like to camp and hike. He asked me "What do you like to do?"

I thought to ask him what he THINKS I like to do, but instead I told him "Shopping, walking around, museums, zoos, movies, plays, etc. Did you know any of that?"

He said "I knew most of them and I like to do them but I can't go to a movie or play now. And if you want me to go clothes shopping with you for my opinion, then I will."

I said "I want you to go clothes shopping with me to be with me, I don't want you opinion per se! I go shopping with YOU and each time you get so pissed off (which led me to his anger management issues). Also, we have only been to one OFF OFF broadway play in 7 years! A handful of movies as well. So the fact that you are in mourning is not an issue. Also, you need to see a therapist to deal with more than your anger. How about the fact that our son will grow up wondering why his father doesn't go to shul, EVER? How about the fact that you don't go to shul to say kaddish for your mother? How about the fact that you still have issues with your father? All those things have been going on for many years and will continue to go on and I CANT HAVE A FUTURE LIKE THAT!"

Then we got on to the subject of chores, and he told me that he doesn't care if the place is never clean, as long as I can be close physically and emotionally with him. I told him that I can't do that when I have the stress of the way the apartment looks. It took about an hour for him to understand that to me, the way the apartment looks helps to affect my mood. And how can he say he doesn't care when for sure he cares if our son has milk and food. For sure he cares if there is food in the fridge. For sure he cares if there is toilet paper to wipe his butt! How can he tell me he doesn't care about the place being clean and then the other day when I wanted to give our son a bath in the main tub and not in the inflatable tub, he went nutso because it wasn't clean enough! How can he say it isn't clean enough when it is clean enough for ME to use before Mikvah?

We hashed out a lot more, but in the end, as we were driving back to the apartment and he realized just how bad things were, he asked me the following "Do you still love me?"

My reply?

"I think I still do."

So I don't know where this is going. All I know is that after I said that I thought for a long time last night, and I am coming to the feeling that yes, I do still love him. But I am not so sure I am still IN LOVE with him. I am not sure I am strong enough or even have the will to continue fighting for this. I have to stick things out for a while, for various reasons, but there will come a time that this will come to its final head. Until then, stay tuned.

Usually I start a new blog post with a title, because it helps me to keep a certain focus on what I am writing. Today, I have no focus and no title.

My husband has yet to ask me for the name of the therapist I plan on seeing. The idea IS for us to see the same one, at different times to deal with different issues. I had wanted to see her tonight, for various reasons. She is available tomorrow night, so I may go then instead, but I haven't yet decided. Tonight I will be home late because I am getting my hair cut and plan on doing a bit of shopping. Coming home late again tomorrow night is not what I would like to do. Maybe I will just do everything tomorrow night. I guess I'll see. I haven't even told the therapist what I am coming in for, because I haven't had any private time in my office to explain it to her. I have been asked by some people if I haven't already given up on my marriage. The G-d's honest truth is that I just don't know. A large part of me wants OUT. I'm just so sad and unhappy and I hate it. Today I feel especially sad, but that is another issue that has nothing to do with this blog post, so I will leave it at that.

A George Michael song just came on my radio. "Faith". Granted the lyrics don't apply here, but I feel like I have to have faith that things will work out the way that they should. Problem is, who am I supposed to have faith in? Yes, I do believe deep down inside in G-d. But that doesn't mean I pray or ask Him for anything. I look back at my life, much of which is clearly recorded in emails between my husband and myself (as you saw the other day) and I am overwhelmed with grief. He and I have been through so much, from practically the moment we met. Not just together, either. We have had our own share of trials and tribulations.

Since that day we met 9 years ago:

• we have each lost relatives
• I lost my "innocence" (what a poetic way to say it)
• we were through many scares (my sister's attempted suicide, his brother missing on 9/11, multiple hospitalizations during my pregnancy)
• we suffered infertility and a miscarriage
• cruelty (basically anything his father has ever said or done in regards to me - i.e. If you stay engaged to her, I won't go to the wedding.; She's fat and so are you, I am making you buy an exercise bike.; Are you sure you saw a baby in the ultrasound? Maybe the doctor just put a tape in the machine to make you THINK you are pregnant?; Maybe your grandmother (mine in this story) died because of the school you went to. (he considered this a joke); You can't have your birthday present for your 21st birthday, you haven't EARNED it. We will think about giving it to you next year. (I earned it the following year.); In order for you to be allowed back in our home, you have to apologize for being rude and disrespectful years ago before you two were even married. (I did apologize, but all of my past actions are still held over my head.) There are countless other examples, but this just illustrates it.)

Why should I have to live this way any more? Why can't I have a clean slate? With no more sorrow and pain? Why can't I have inlaws that like me? (Granted, my mother in law adored me.) Why can't I have less stress to deal with in my life by the non existence of anger and cruelty? Why do I have to live my life feeling hesitant to say anything because I know when I do voice my opinion and feelings they get shot down? How many times do I have to hear my feelings rationalized to nothingness because they "make no sense"? Who said feelings HAVE to make sense? They are FEELINGS! By definition they are irrational because emotions don't always make sense!

Man, I feel so drained right now. As usual, comments are welcome.

The Great Shabbos Discussion

So, I know that everyone has been wondering what went on on Shabbos. After all, what else is there to do on Tisha B'av but wonder about the problems in the world and watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (just kidding!)?

I told my husband that I would like to talk more about what is going on. We spoke quite a while, and although I don't recall specific things that were said, I can give you the general gist.

I finally got through to him that my sister is not the main issue. She is not the main problem and he really needs to not continue to point in her direction as the cause of my upheaval. He said to me that he is very interested in seeing someone, and I explained that I want him to see someone separately from when I go see someone. That he has anger management issues to deal with and that that is one of the things that has led me to where I am in our relationship. He is like a short fuse, ready to go off. I told him that I don't tell him things on my mind anymore because I am scared of how he will react. He reassured me that at no time would he get violent at me. I reminded him that there were times in the past where he has thrown things in my general direction. Granted, it was a tissue box once and papers another time. But I told him that it still scared me, because it showed a capacity to do something. He said he would never hit me. I reminded him that he broke his hand not too long ago punching a pile of books at his father's home. He reminded me that he could have punched his father but he didn't. I said, that is not the point. The point is that you DID punch something. He didn't really say anything to that, but I think it made him think about that fact that I am scared. Not shaking in my pants scared, but worried about what will set him off.

Then he said to me, how come four years ago when we were in therapy, all the things didn't get solved then? I told him that I didn't know, but that obviously if I feel this way again, A) they didn't get solved and B) it means that they are REALLY problems. I explained to him that I can't look at my future as going to therapy every four years to solve the same problems. He didn't say anything to that and that was pretty much how we ended it. But I think it cleared up the air of mystery a bit for him as to why I think I need to see a therapist and why I am so serious about wanting to leave.

I wanted to mention one other thing. Even after that discussion, I still have the same feelings of needing to get away. I think that that says something about the state of my mind.

Thoughts and comments are, as usual, welcome.

Coming to a Head

So as I mentioned yesterday, things have started to come to a head way before I wanted. It all started with an email discussion (the only normal kinds my husband and I have) about my husband's issues with my sister. It soon escalated, and here are some bits and pieces so you, as my sounding board, can try to help me understand my situation:

Husband:

as long as we're on the subject (or close to it), i'm going to bring up something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. sometimes, i think that you sister's constant presence may not be too good for us as a couple. i feel that you spend more time with her than with me on many days. i also get a very clear message that her feelings are more important than mine. several times, i feel like a third wheel when we're together.
we should be giving up our 'together time' for our child. but i think we've given up a great deal of it for your sister too. we haven't been hanging out like we used to and i wonder if that may have even a small part in the feelings you've been having lately.
i didn't want to say anything before because i didn't know how it would come across/be received. but at this point, i think it's necessary.
do you have ay thoughts about this?

Me:

It isnt my sister's constant presense that isnt good for us as a couple. Her presense has brought to a head the fact that we as a couple have a problem. How many times are we going to try to resolve the same problems over and over? How much did we hang out before my sister was living with us? My sister listens to me when I talk. Did you even hear me this morning when I told you I called the XXXXX and spoke to a moron there? Also, I brought this subject up as well, just for the record. You always say that I never bring up these subjects and I always wait for you. Well, the reason I want to see a therapist is because I need to speak with a professional about these feelings I have been having (this is all stuff I have told you already). Feelings like wanting to leave. Feelings of complete and overwhelming sadness. Is it depression? I dont know. I think it is more hopelessness. And I need to speak with someone who can tell me that there is hope that we wont be in therapy for the rest of our lives trying to work out our differences. Unfortunately, I cant speak with you about that because I dont know if at the end of the conversation we will have resolved things or made them worse. We dont end conversations with having resolved things. We end them with a bigger fight or me crying and then we have sex. I want to have a therapist who can work with me to find a way to either get past the differences or give me some other solution. If you are interested in seeing her as well, we can have some couple meetings.

Husband:

if you talk to me when i'm doing something else, you should that i may not hear you. this is obvious. anyway, i've said things you have no recollection of also. it happens. so what. it is no indication of an overall problem. any suggestion that i don't listen to you is silly.
i've tried talking to you recently about what's been bothering you and you say you don't know. what else can i do? how should i know if you don't?
to answer your question about how often we hung out etc.: we used to spend time together in the evening, even if it was just to watch tv for a while. we had some degree of physical closeness. that's basically gone now because our privacy is nearly non-existent.
if you feel that things weren't resolved after conversations, then say something. to throw it on me now and say things like you feel like leaving is not fair at all to me. don't let me believe that things are ok if you don't think they are.

Me:

I told you I dont know what the problem is but I did tell you also that I have feelings about leaving etc. So what it means is that I know what the problem is but not really the cause. You keep blaming the problems on my sister and I am telling you that they are just at a head because of her. You were seriously content and happy before she moved in?

Husband:

you specifically said you didn't know what's wrong; just that you feel bad.
i am not blaming your sister for any problems. i was juast saying that her constant presence has given rise to some of my feelings. i am well aware that there may be other causes for whatever it is that bothers you.
now, be specific and clear about what bothers you, if you can. don't just tell me you feel like leaving. that doesnt help and makes me feel like crap. WHAT bothers you? be clear and specific. if you don't know, fine. but don't blame me for vague problems, especially ones that i would have no clue about how to fix.

Unfortunately, I didn't save my response to this and until he responds to it (and it will be in his e-mail), I can't share it. I plan on printing this out and showing this to the therapist I will see. I may also try to make an appointment for earlier because to wait now until Sept. 11 is just nuts.

So my dear audience, what say you?

Sensitivity

My sister is a very sensitive person. And that, my dear friends, is an understatement. She cries at the drop of a hat. She could cry if she THINKS you will drop the hat. That's how bad it is.

My husband is not a sensitive person. He says what is on his mind and he doesn't really care how it affects other people.

So my sister is short. Just 5 feet tall. I make little jokes VERY infrequently about it. I'm her sister, so I can do that. He takes my little joke and makes some comment about it. She gets insulted. I try to explain to him that he can't do that and all he thinks is that my sister has 'issues' and that she needs help, he doesn't have to change. Well, yesterday the man in the elevator of the subway wasn't so friendly. We said good morning, he said nothing. When we walked out of the elevator, he finally said bye so my sister said how he wasn't so friendly. So my husband said "Maybe he thought you were a snarky bitch". Now, I don't know what snarky means, but that didn't sound too nice. Maybe someone can tell me otherwise. She didn't find it amusing either and I told him that he shouldn't say that. Later on I had a talk with my sister and she told me that she is getting really upset by the way he speaks. Well, so am I. At dinner that night he was repeating a story to me and his cousins and my sister with our infant all at attendance. And he was quoting what someone said to him today when he threatened to kill him. (My husband was the one threatened.) So instead of leaving it at that, he repeated VERBATIM all the cursing that ensued on the phone and all the colorful threats. I told my husband to watch what he says because our son is a parrot, he will repeat EVERYTHING. So this morning when I finally confronted my husband, not only did he defend himself for all he said both to my sister AND for having said that story, now I was in the wrong for telling him what he can and can't say in the presense of our son, myself and our friends and family.

Aurghhhh...

What do you think? Am I wrong? Am I overly sensitive? Am I just trying to pick a fight? How can I change how he is? Do I even want to?

9/11

I made my first appointment yesterday to speak with a therapist. The date that worked the best for us was Sept 11. So, being the English lit major that I was, I began to analyze the symbolism in that. Sept 11 to most NYers means a loss of a sense of security and freedom. To others, it means an awakening to a renewed need to fight for our freedom. It is a rebirth of sorts.

What will Sept 11 2005 be for me? Will it mean the beginning of a new way for me to live my life or will it mean the beginning of the end of any sort of happiness?

Life - Part II

So, I am beginning to feel comfortable with the current state of my mind. Against the advice of a close friend, I looked up depression, namely post partum. Naturally, I shouldn't self diagnose (that was his advice). So I decided I am not going to self diagnose, but it does disturb me on a level that I didn't know I could be disturbed on that I have some of the "signs" of PPD. The other thing that disturbs me is that I found out that it is common for people who consider themselves strong to suffer from depression. I thought that was something that only people who were unable to cope with things go through.

Over Shabbos I told my husband I want to see a therapist. I didn't tell him that I want him to be there as well, at least not initially. What I told him is that I am very unhappy (to which he said "What about?" to which I said "I can't discuss it with you because it will end up in a fight. That is why I need to speak to a professional" to which HE said "How will that help if only you speak to the professional?" to which I said "Well, you may need to join every once in a while."). I also told him I have these feelings like I need to just go, just leave. This was all Friday night, after dinner. Well, he fell asleep after I told him all that. Naturally I was peeved, but I let it slide. All day long it slid. Then I said to him right before Havdalah, "You know, you fell asleep last night before commenting on what I was telling you." So he said, "I didn't know there is anything to comment on." So I said "Well, if there is anything, let me know." So there you have it folks, wasn't that lovely?

I guess this means that once the summer is over and I can discretely start going to a therapist and I find a babysitter, I will go. Because I have discovered that I have more issues than just some sort of possible depression. All these issues are old issues, but since they have never been resolved or even really approached, they have just sat there, fermenting, if you will. But unlike a bottle of wine that gets better with age, this isn't getting better. All day today it was one snap after another at me. One snide remark after another. In front of my sister, no less. I have asked him many times not to say nasty things to me in front of her and the baby. The baby picks up on these things. He starts whining and getting very antsy. He understands when there is tension. My sister is also very sensitive and she doesn't like the way he speaks to me, I'm sure.

Logistically, I'm not sure what I would do if I did leave. Emotionally, I'm not sure what I will do if I stay.

Life - Part I

Life sucks, and then you die. That was always my motto growing up. I can't say I have had a hard life, but I know I can't say my life thus far has been easy. I know I have issues. Who doesn't? The point is though, that my issues are MINE, so who else has to deal with them but me? Well, of course anyone who is brave enough to keep checking my blog to see if I added anything new will end up dealing with my issues. They may even be so kind as to leave a word of encouragement. But how does that help me?

The answer is, it doesn't. Going to therapy won't help either. Sitting and writing out all my thoughts probably won't help. But I will write them out as I can, and see what happens.

I have a huge situation going on in my life which will undoubtably one day require a decision. As is the case with situations and decisions, pain will accompany the outcome, no matter what. Will the pain be mine or someone else's? Who knows. Since it will be my decision, I think that the pain will for sure be mine, either way. Since my decision doesn't just affect me, someone else will get hurt also. So should I base my decision on who I would rather gets hurt? Or should I base my decision on where I would rather end up at the end of the day? See, I think that that is the crux of my problem. I don't really know how to make life altering decisions.

When I applied to colleges while in high school, I got accepted to all 4 that I applied to. I was told by the college guidance counselor in my school that I should apply to 1 that I know I will get into, 1 I know I will not get into and 2 that I am not sure about the decision they will make. Well, shoot me in the head if I didn't get into all of them! (It's a twisted expression, I know. Don't ask.) I made the safe decision, the choice my parents wanted me to make and really, the choice that was the most comfortable since I was going from a private school to a private college. Same environment, different state. I didn't want to ruffle anyone's feathers, my own included, so I went to the college that gave the best scholarship and ensured that I would meet someone I could marry.

In college, I started to date my husband. We started out as friends. He convinced me to go out with him. I did. We got engaged. Were engaged for a year. Then we married. The whole time during the 'courting' (if you can call it that), we had problems. They stemmed from, to, and were about his father. I never went on a shidduch date, and until recently, I never really understood why the shadchan wants to know about the family of the potential chosson and kallah. I get it now. Completely. There will never be a time that I will be able to say to my husband, in regards to his father, "it's either me or him". There just won't. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father for all that he did for him. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father in spite of all that he did TO him as well. So from my marriage I learned not only that what a shadchan asks about a person's family is one of the most important things because you really DO marry a family, I learned what it looks like for someone to be in an abusive relationship, because surely that is what my husband is in. But why should I be abused as well? I think I will leave my ramblings for now, but I am sure that there will be a "Life - Part II" in the future of my blog.