Hashing it OUT!

So yesterday my husband decided we HAVE to talk. He doesn't want me to go to a therapist on my own, he wants us only to go together. After a ton of back and forth, I told him that if he wants to see her together, he has to make the appointment. So he called her and left a message. So far no appointment, because she hasn't called back.

After I got home, we drove to a nearby park and sat to talk. I again explained to him how I am unhappy with so much, not just about him but just in my own life as well. Naturally and I guess understandably, he took it as I am saying it is all about him. So he asked me to point things out. I gave some examples of my issues:

• We have nothing in common
• I feel like a housekeeper and that there is no respect coming from him bc when I ask him to do things, he just doesn't
• He makes me feel like a bad mother because he questions how I do things

Those are all the main examples I can remember at this point.

He said, "We do have things in common!"

I said "Yeah? What?"

He said "Family, us."

I said "That just isn't enough! You can't have a lifelong relationship based only on love/lust. You need to have common interests."

He asked me "Why not? We have common interests."

I said "Like what?"

So he started going on about a vacation he wants to take to go camping or hiking. I told him I don't like to camp and hike. He asked me "What do you like to do?"

I thought to ask him what he THINKS I like to do, but instead I told him "Shopping, walking around, museums, zoos, movies, plays, etc. Did you know any of that?"

He said "I knew most of them and I like to do them but I can't go to a movie or play now. And if you want me to go clothes shopping with you for my opinion, then I will."

I said "I want you to go clothes shopping with me to be with me, I don't want you opinion per se! I go shopping with YOU and each time you get so pissed off (which led me to his anger management issues). Also, we have only been to one OFF OFF broadway play in 7 years! A handful of movies as well. So the fact that you are in mourning is not an issue. Also, you need to see a therapist to deal with more than your anger. How about the fact that our son will grow up wondering why his father doesn't go to shul, EVER? How about the fact that you don't go to shul to say kaddish for your mother? How about the fact that you still have issues with your father? All those things have been going on for many years and will continue to go on and I CANT HAVE A FUTURE LIKE THAT!"

Then we got on to the subject of chores, and he told me that he doesn't care if the place is never clean, as long as I can be close physically and emotionally with him. I told him that I can't do that when I have the stress of the way the apartment looks. It took about an hour for him to understand that to me, the way the apartment looks helps to affect my mood. And how can he say he doesn't care when for sure he cares if our son has milk and food. For sure he cares if there is food in the fridge. For sure he cares if there is toilet paper to wipe his butt! How can he tell me he doesn't care about the place being clean and then the other day when I wanted to give our son a bath in the main tub and not in the inflatable tub, he went nutso because it wasn't clean enough! How can he say it isn't clean enough when it is clean enough for ME to use before Mikvah?

We hashed out a lot more, but in the end, as we were driving back to the apartment and he realized just how bad things were, he asked me the following "Do you still love me?"

My reply?

"I think I still do."

So I don't know where this is going. All I know is that after I said that I thought for a long time last night, and I am coming to the feeling that yes, I do still love him. But I am not so sure I am still IN LOVE with him. I am not sure I am strong enough or even have the will to continue fighting for this. I have to stick things out for a while, for various reasons, but there will come a time that this will come to its final head. Until then, stay tuned.