Coming to a Head
So as I mentioned yesterday, things have started to come to a head way before I wanted. It all started with an email discussion (the only normal kinds my husband and I have) about my husband's issues with my sister. It soon escalated, and here are some bits and pieces so you, as my sounding board, can try to help me understand my situation:
Husband:
as long as we're on the subject (or close to it), i'm going to bring up something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. sometimes, i think that you sister's constant presence may not be too good for us as a couple. i feel that you spend more time with her than with me on many days. i also get a very clear message that her feelings are more important than mine. several times, i feel like a third wheel when we're together.
we should be giving up our 'together time' for our child. but i think we've given up a great deal of it for your sister too. we haven't been hanging out like we used to and i wonder if that may have even a small part in the feelings you've been having lately.
i didn't want to say anything before because i didn't know how it would come across/be received. but at this point, i think it's necessary.
do you have ay thoughts about this?
Me:
It isnt my sister's constant presense that isnt good for us as a couple. Her presense has brought to a head the fact that we as a couple have a problem. How many times are we going to try to resolve the same problems over and over? How much did we hang out before my sister was living with us? My sister listens to me when I talk. Did you even hear me this morning when I told you I called the XXXXX and spoke to a moron there? Also, I brought this subject up as well, just for the record. You always say that I never bring up these subjects and I always wait for you. Well, the reason I want to see a therapist is because I need to speak with a professional about these feelings I have been having (this is all stuff I have told you already). Feelings like wanting to leave. Feelings of complete and overwhelming sadness. Is it depression? I dont know. I think it is more hopelessness. And I need to speak with someone who can tell me that there is hope that we wont be in therapy for the rest of our lives trying to work out our differences. Unfortunately, I cant speak with you about that because I dont know if at the end of the conversation we will have resolved things or made them worse. We dont end conversations with having resolved things. We end them with a bigger fight or me crying and then we have sex. I want to have a therapist who can work with me to find a way to either get past the differences or give me some other solution. If you are interested in seeing her as well, we can have some couple meetings.
Husband:
if you talk to me when i'm doing something else, you should that i may not hear you. this is obvious. anyway, i've said things you have no recollection of also. it happens. so what. it is no indication of an overall problem. any suggestion that i don't listen to you is silly.
i've tried talking to you recently about what's been bothering you and you say you don't know. what else can i do? how should i know if you don't?
to answer your question about how often we hung out etc.: we used to spend time together in the evening, even if it was just to watch tv for a while. we had some degree of physical closeness. that's basically gone now because our privacy is nearly non-existent.
if you feel that things weren't resolved after conversations, then say something. to throw it on me now and say things like you feel like leaving is not fair at all to me. don't let me believe that things are ok if you don't think they are.
Me:
I told you I dont know what the problem is but I did tell you also that I have feelings about leaving etc. So what it means is that I know what the problem is but not really the cause. You keep blaming the problems on my sister and I am telling you that they are just at a head because of her. You were seriously content and happy before she moved in?
Husband:
you specifically said you didn't know what's wrong; just that you feel bad.
i am not blaming your sister for any problems. i was juast saying that her constant presence has given rise to some of my feelings. i am well aware that there may be other causes for whatever it is that bothers you.
now, be specific and clear about what bothers you, if you can. don't just tell me you feel like leaving. that doesnt help and makes me feel like crap. WHAT bothers you? be clear and specific. if you don't know, fine. but don't blame me for vague problems, especially ones that i would have no clue about how to fix.
Unfortunately, I didn't save my response to this and until he responds to it (and it will be in his e-mail), I can't share it. I plan on printing this out and showing this to the therapist I will see. I may also try to make an appointment for earlier because to wait now until Sept. 11 is just nuts.
So my dear audience, what say you?
Husband:
as long as we're on the subject (or close to it), i'm going to bring up something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. sometimes, i think that you sister's constant presence may not be too good for us as a couple. i feel that you spend more time with her than with me on many days. i also get a very clear message that her feelings are more important than mine. several times, i feel like a third wheel when we're together.
we should be giving up our 'together time' for our child. but i think we've given up a great deal of it for your sister too. we haven't been hanging out like we used to and i wonder if that may have even a small part in the feelings you've been having lately.
i didn't want to say anything before because i didn't know how it would come across/be received. but at this point, i think it's necessary.
do you have ay thoughts about this?
Me:
It isnt my sister's constant presense that isnt good for us as a couple. Her presense has brought to a head the fact that we as a couple have a problem. How many times are we going to try to resolve the same problems over and over? How much did we hang out before my sister was living with us? My sister listens to me when I talk. Did you even hear me this morning when I told you I called the XXXXX and spoke to a moron there? Also, I brought this subject up as well, just for the record. You always say that I never bring up these subjects and I always wait for you. Well, the reason I want to see a therapist is because I need to speak with a professional about these feelings I have been having (this is all stuff I have told you already). Feelings like wanting to leave. Feelings of complete and overwhelming sadness. Is it depression? I dont know. I think it is more hopelessness. And I need to speak with someone who can tell me that there is hope that we wont be in therapy for the rest of our lives trying to work out our differences. Unfortunately, I cant speak with you about that because I dont know if at the end of the conversation we will have resolved things or made them worse. We dont end conversations with having resolved things. We end them with a bigger fight or me crying and then we have sex. I want to have a therapist who can work with me to find a way to either get past the differences or give me some other solution. If you are interested in seeing her as well, we can have some couple meetings.
Husband:
if you talk to me when i'm doing something else, you should that i may not hear you. this is obvious. anyway, i've said things you have no recollection of also. it happens. so what. it is no indication of an overall problem. any suggestion that i don't listen to you is silly.
i've tried talking to you recently about what's been bothering you and you say you don't know. what else can i do? how should i know if you don't?
to answer your question about how often we hung out etc.: we used to spend time together in the evening, even if it was just to watch tv for a while. we had some degree of physical closeness. that's basically gone now because our privacy is nearly non-existent.
if you feel that things weren't resolved after conversations, then say something. to throw it on me now and say things like you feel like leaving is not fair at all to me. don't let me believe that things are ok if you don't think they are.
Me:
I told you I dont know what the problem is but I did tell you also that I have feelings about leaving etc. So what it means is that I know what the problem is but not really the cause. You keep blaming the problems on my sister and I am telling you that they are just at a head because of her. You were seriously content and happy before she moved in?
Husband:
you specifically said you didn't know what's wrong; just that you feel bad.
i am not blaming your sister for any problems. i was juast saying that her constant presence has given rise to some of my feelings. i am well aware that there may be other causes for whatever it is that bothers you.
now, be specific and clear about what bothers you, if you can. don't just tell me you feel like leaving. that doesnt help and makes me feel like crap. WHAT bothers you? be clear and specific. if you don't know, fine. but don't blame me for vague problems, especially ones that i would have no clue about how to fix.
Unfortunately, I didn't save my response to this and until he responds to it (and it will be in his e-mail), I can't share it. I plan on printing this out and showing this to the therapist I will see. I may also try to make an appointment for earlier because to wait now until Sept. 11 is just nuts.
So my dear audience, what say you?
posted by energynorm at
9:19 AM
7 Comments:
NJ, I have been holding it back actually.
Yiddish, thank you for your honest commentary. I will take what you say to heart and will try to speak with my husband over Shabbos. I had no time last night because he came home at almost 11 pm.
By
energynorm, at 12:31 PM
one of my cousins had her first marriage end in divorce. part of it was just regular problems, but another part of it (and she's even admitted this to me) was that about a year into her marriage, her sister came to live with her and her husband and a wedge was driven in between the couple. whether it was real or perceived, the couple's problems grew and grew until neither felt that their home was a sanctuary and that their marriage was a blessing. you might consider having your sister leave for a bit and try to do something for just you and your husband, whether it's going out for an evening maybe the way you did early in your relationship, or embarking on something new, a hike, a walk, a picnic...just to form new fun memories and maybe forge ahead.
again, good luck.
good shabbos & an easy, meaningful fast.
By
bec, at 4:28 PM
therapy can be helpful. you really ought to try it; sometimes it loosens even bigger stones that might be buried deeper than the two of you might have realized
By
Mishegasmaster, at 6:09 PM
You should all realize, and maybe I wasnt clear enough about it, that my sister is only here for the summer. Yes, 11 weeks is a long time, but there are only 3 weeks left. In the grand scheme of things (namely 7 years of marriage) you would think that 8 weeks of having my sister live here should not have made my marriage deteriorate like this. That would be the case, IF there were no underlying problems. But, it is obvious that there are, because of how it is now.
By
energynorm, at 6:33 PM
i hope you were able to talk over shabbat but realize you are a person with feelings . you have a right to your feelings , NO ONE has the right to negate you or your feelings. this seems to be a big issue as all is ok with him if your feelings mesh with his but if they don't then you are wrong or just being overly sensitive.
he seems very adept at shifting the blame or any form of culpablity from himself to you or your sister. this is commonly called shift the blame and/ or blame the victem. this is typical abuser logic - you made me punish you because of your actions. the abuse can be verbal as well as physical.
please for your sake move the appointment forward. you need a nuetral perspective as to what is going on. you also need a safe place to figure out what to do.
remember you have lots of worth and are a human being who is entitled to be treated in a civil and respectful manner.
wishing you all the best thru these dificult times. som kal.
By
queeniesmom, at 2:32 AM
yiddishe, you make an excellent point. That is precisely why I posted his replies to my emails. So that the readers could see both sides of the coin. Could see his responses to my comments. I will be posting an update shortly which may be interesting to read.
By
energynorm, at 8:32 PM
yiddishe, the difference is that when push comes to shove, there are some differences that I KNOW my husband will not work at fixing. Sometimes I feel too exhausted with the whole thing to keep giving him chances.
Don't worry, I wont make my decisions based on what is said here. Sometimes though, I need validation that what I am going through is not only nuts in my eyes but in the eyes of others as well. In real life, it is hard enough to go through this to also have to keep updating real life people. This way, I can blog when there is an update, people can read my update and support me if they wish, without the added strain on me to always remember to fill them in. There is a sense of a lack of responsibility to keep up the story. I dont know if that makes sense, but that is how I feel.
By
energynorm, at 10:39 PM
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