Life - Part I
Life sucks, and then you die. That was always my motto growing up. I can't say I have had a hard life, but I know I can't say my life thus far has been easy. I know I have issues. Who doesn't? The point is though, that my issues are MINE, so who else has to deal with them but me? Well, of course anyone who is brave enough to keep checking my blog to see if I added anything new will end up dealing with my issues. They may even be so kind as to leave a word of encouragement. But how does that help me?
The answer is, it doesn't. Going to therapy won't help either. Sitting and writing out all my thoughts probably won't help. But I will write them out as I can, and see what happens.
I have a huge situation going on in my life which will undoubtably one day require a decision. As is the case with situations and decisions, pain will accompany the outcome, no matter what. Will the pain be mine or someone else's? Who knows. Since it will be my decision, I think that the pain will for sure be mine, either way. Since my decision doesn't just affect me, someone else will get hurt also. So should I base my decision on who I would rather gets hurt? Or should I base my decision on where I would rather end up at the end of the day? See, I think that that is the crux of my problem. I don't really know how to make life altering decisions.
When I applied to colleges while in high school, I got accepted to all 4 that I applied to. I was told by the college guidance counselor in my school that I should apply to 1 that I know I will get into, 1 I know I will not get into and 2 that I am not sure about the decision they will make. Well, shoot me in the head if I didn't get into all of them! (It's a twisted expression, I know. Don't ask.) I made the safe decision, the choice my parents wanted me to make and really, the choice that was the most comfortable since I was going from a private school to a private college. Same environment, different state. I didn't want to ruffle anyone's feathers, my own included, so I went to the college that gave the best scholarship and ensured that I would meet someone I could marry.
In college, I started to date my husband. We started out as friends. He convinced me to go out with him. I did. We got engaged. Were engaged for a year. Then we married. The whole time during the 'courting' (if you can call it that), we had problems. They stemmed from, to, and were about his father. I never went on a shidduch date, and until recently, I never really understood why the shadchan wants to know about the family of the potential chosson and kallah. I get it now. Completely. There will never be a time that I will be able to say to my husband, in regards to his father, "it's either me or him". There just won't. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father for all that he did for him. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father in spite of all that he did TO him as well. So from my marriage I learned not only that what a shadchan asks about a person's family is one of the most important things because you really DO marry a family, I learned what it looks like for someone to be in an abusive relationship, because surely that is what my husband is in. But why should I be abused as well? I think I will leave my ramblings for now, but I am sure that there will be a "Life - Part II" in the future of my blog.
The answer is, it doesn't. Going to therapy won't help either. Sitting and writing out all my thoughts probably won't help. But I will write them out as I can, and see what happens.
I have a huge situation going on in my life which will undoubtably one day require a decision. As is the case with situations and decisions, pain will accompany the outcome, no matter what. Will the pain be mine or someone else's? Who knows. Since it will be my decision, I think that the pain will for sure be mine, either way. Since my decision doesn't just affect me, someone else will get hurt also. So should I base my decision on who I would rather gets hurt? Or should I base my decision on where I would rather end up at the end of the day? See, I think that that is the crux of my problem. I don't really know how to make life altering decisions.
When I applied to colleges while in high school, I got accepted to all 4 that I applied to. I was told by the college guidance counselor in my school that I should apply to 1 that I know I will get into, 1 I know I will not get into and 2 that I am not sure about the decision they will make. Well, shoot me in the head if I didn't get into all of them! (It's a twisted expression, I know. Don't ask.) I made the safe decision, the choice my parents wanted me to make and really, the choice that was the most comfortable since I was going from a private school to a private college. Same environment, different state. I didn't want to ruffle anyone's feathers, my own included, so I went to the college that gave the best scholarship and ensured that I would meet someone I could marry.
In college, I started to date my husband. We started out as friends. He convinced me to go out with him. I did. We got engaged. Were engaged for a year. Then we married. The whole time during the 'courting' (if you can call it that), we had problems. They stemmed from, to, and were about his father. I never went on a shidduch date, and until recently, I never really understood why the shadchan wants to know about the family of the potential chosson and kallah. I get it now. Completely. There will never be a time that I will be able to say to my husband, in regards to his father, "it's either me or him". There just won't. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father for all that he did for him. He will always be loyal to that jerk of a father in spite of all that he did TO him as well. So from my marriage I learned not only that what a shadchan asks about a person's family is one of the most important things because you really DO marry a family, I learned what it looks like for someone to be in an abusive relationship, because surely that is what my husband is in. But why should I be abused as well? I think I will leave my ramblings for now, but I am sure that there will be a "Life - Part II" in the future of my blog.
posted by energynorm at
8:53 AM
12 Comments:
Who ever said life will be easy. Which is why a shadchan can (sometimes) make life easier by not giving you more issues to deal with.
Sharing ones issues may not be the solution, but will probably make it easier to deal with.
By
Karl, at 10:14 AM
And when your spouse wont share you issues since he thinks that A) you have no right to have those issues and B) even when you did have a right you should be over it by now, What then?
By
energynorm, at 10:21 AM
normal, not all lines between lines are so legible...
By
energynorm, at 11:46 AM
A spouse should be someone to share things with, although not necessarily a therapist. (but they may need one as well). You should always look out for others, especially a spouse, but make sure you don't forget yourself. Your life comes first. Good luck.
By
Karl, at 1:22 PM
*sigh* normal, what you say can be true... sometimes!
karl, thank you for your kind words..
By
energynorm, at 2:20 PM
I have a good friend that is going through a simalir situation. Personally, the way I handle situations like your is the band-aid approach. (simalir to eyebrow waxing) one quick yank. Hurts like hell but much better than plucking each individual hair and lasts longer too. You are right that whichever way you go will hurt. Is it better to SOLVE the situation once then deal with it each time it rears its ugly head and gets bigger and bigger as the years go on. My mother dissolved her relationship with her parents, it was the healthiest choice in a bad situation. Sucks not to have grandparents, but we are emotionally healthy, and B"H happy.
good luck
By
Dan Eisenberg, at 3:30 PM
Daniel, thanks for that perspective. I think I will for sure take it to heart and use it to help me in my decision.
By
energynorm, at 4:12 PM
Instead of looking at the negative - life su..., how about trying to be positive - life is fun, look for the beauty in the day or just that it was a good day - everyone got where they needed to be and no one killed each other, there was minimal fighting between sibs, etc.
re; in law you can't expect rational behavior from irrational people. stop trying to. is there some way for your husband to diffuse his farther or make the peace. if the answer is no then consider your options. what can he live with, what can you live with, what is nonnegotiable? as silly as it sounds make a list of pros and cons - you do yours, he does his, see where you have agreement and work from there. unfortunately sometimes you just have to diengage.
hope you can make the peace and find a livable solution.
all the best.
By
queeniesmom, at 2:08 AM
queeniesmom, unfortunately, we have been down the road of therapy for this. We have made the pros and cons. I have been told by my husband that there is no room for compromise because it is the way that it is. He requires me to be civil to his father, especially in light of the fact that we now have a child. I was forced to APOLOGIZE to his father for being disrespectful. Do you know what I did to be disrespectful? Two things: 1) I walked out of the room when his father and step mother insulted me by saying I was a cheating person and a liar. 2) I didnt say hi to his father when I saw him at a school sponsored game, which, incidentally, was only after my husband and I were dating a couple months. My husband's father did not attend our wedding, I was not welcome in his home until I had apologized and to this day his father wont even say my name. He doesnt even care to spell it correctly. One year they gave me a birthday gift, which had been purchased for the birthday before. Want to know why I didnt get it the year before? I didnt EARN it? I have no way to disengage because when I have tried in the past I have been told "You dont understand my father and he doesnt understand you and if you arent around him you will never understand him" OR "I hate being in the middle. Why cant you just be nice to him and he be nice to you?" or a whole bunch of other things which boil down to "I am going to defend my father to you each time, so just suck it up and deal with it." Well, that is the problem. I dont want to suck it up and deal with it anymore. I dont want to always have to be confronting this part of my husband when, from what I was taught, a husband takes a wife and clings to HER over his family.
By
energynorm, at 8:42 AM
normal, you know what I think :) You're the best!
By
energynorm, at 8:42 AM
shavoah tov.
sorry didn't answer you yesterday but things were hairy here and didn't have time bfore shabbat.
i'm sorry if you thought i was being judgemental, i didn't intend that.
as you've done all the possible things and he refuses even to entertain compromise you're in a zero sum game. you can never win.
as NOONE has the right to abuse you verbally or physically or put you in a situation where that is the forgone conclusion, you're at the point of " am i better off with him or without him?" (ann launders).
the other very real issue is that there is now a child involved and do you want your child seeing/hearind this?
also rember love is - there should never be conditions to it. it would seem the inlaws haven't learned this and your husband is programmed that he must earn their love and if he does what they say he's rewarded. it's a horrible position for you to be in.
divorce isn't easy but sometimes the only way (been there done that)for a person to save their sanity.
good luck on finding the right solution but please for your own sake try to find at least one good thing about yourself or your day each and every day. don't let him (them) gring=d you down.
you have lots of self worth.
By
queeniesmom, at 12:42 AM
wow...you know you are so much better than that, don't take the guff and give him a couple of proverbial kicks in the shins and whatever you do, don't back down from your worth, because frankly you don't deserve that bs!
By
Mishegasmaster, at 6:25 PM
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