The Great Shabbos Discussion
So, I know that everyone has been wondering what went on on Shabbos. After all, what else is there to do on Tisha B'av but wonder about the problems in the world and watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (just kidding!)?
I told my husband that I would like to talk more about what is going on. We spoke quite a while, and although I don't recall specific things that were said, I can give you the general gist.
I finally got through to him that my sister is not the main issue. She is not the main problem and he really needs to not continue to point in her direction as the cause of my upheaval. He said to me that he is very interested in seeing someone, and I explained that I want him to see someone separately from when I go see someone. That he has anger management issues to deal with and that that is one of the things that has led me to where I am in our relationship. He is like a short fuse, ready to go off. I told him that I don't tell him things on my mind anymore because I am scared of how he will react. He reassured me that at no time would he get violent at me. I reminded him that there were times in the past where he has thrown things in my general direction. Granted, it was a tissue box once and papers another time. But I told him that it still scared me, because it showed a capacity to do something. He said he would never hit me. I reminded him that he broke his hand not too long ago punching a pile of books at his father's home. He reminded me that he could have punched his father but he didn't. I said, that is not the point. The point is that you DID punch something. He didn't really say anything to that, but I think it made him think about that fact that I am scared. Not shaking in my pants scared, but worried about what will set him off.
Then he said to me, how come four years ago when we were in therapy, all the things didn't get solved then? I told him that I didn't know, but that obviously if I feel this way again, A) they didn't get solved and B) it means that they are REALLY problems. I explained to him that I can't look at my future as going to therapy every four years to solve the same problems. He didn't say anything to that and that was pretty much how we ended it. But I think it cleared up the air of mystery a bit for him as to why I think I need to see a therapist and why I am so serious about wanting to leave.
I told my husband that I would like to talk more about what is going on. We spoke quite a while, and although I don't recall specific things that were said, I can give you the general gist.
I finally got through to him that my sister is not the main issue. She is not the main problem and he really needs to not continue to point in her direction as the cause of my upheaval. He said to me that he is very interested in seeing someone, and I explained that I want him to see someone separately from when I go see someone. That he has anger management issues to deal with and that that is one of the things that has led me to where I am in our relationship. He is like a short fuse, ready to go off. I told him that I don't tell him things on my mind anymore because I am scared of how he will react. He reassured me that at no time would he get violent at me. I reminded him that there were times in the past where he has thrown things in my general direction. Granted, it was a tissue box once and papers another time. But I told him that it still scared me, because it showed a capacity to do something. He said he would never hit me. I reminded him that he broke his hand not too long ago punching a pile of books at his father's home. He reminded me that he could have punched his father but he didn't. I said, that is not the point. The point is that you DID punch something. He didn't really say anything to that, but I think it made him think about that fact that I am scared. Not shaking in my pants scared, but worried about what will set him off.
Then he said to me, how come four years ago when we were in therapy, all the things didn't get solved then? I told him that I didn't know, but that obviously if I feel this way again, A) they didn't get solved and B) it means that they are REALLY problems. I explained to him that I can't look at my future as going to therapy every four years to solve the same problems. He didn't say anything to that and that was pretty much how we ended it. But I think it cleared up the air of mystery a bit for him as to why I think I need to see a therapist and why I am so serious about wanting to leave.
I wanted to mention one other thing. Even after that discussion, I still have the same feelings of needing to get away. I think that that says something about the state of my mind.
Thoughts and comments are, as usual, welcome.
posted by energynorm at
8:40 PM
2 Comments:
you should feel proud of yourself - you got thru a serious discussion w/o a major blow up and you made your points herd. kol hacavod!!!
glad your still going to persue counselling, it's also a positive sign that he is willing to go too.
any chance you can see 2 different people w/in the same practice ? this way you have some joint sessions w/o either person feeling that "he/ she" is on "that" person's side 'cus that's "that" persons therepist. hope i've explained myself clearly.
good luck and cont. to value yourself and see the good in yourself. you're on a raod of discovery - only time will tell where it will end and how it will end. if both of you are willing to work on things, the outcome isn't predetermined or always a negative one. try to give it a chance. you've made a GREAT start on your own. feel proud of that!!
By
queeniesmom, at 1:13 AM
you might consider seeing the same therapist at different times, that way, he/she can hear both sides and help you two to come together again. since it's all confidential, you wouldn't have to worry about any breach of trust.
again, hang in there.
By
bec, at 6:15 PM
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