Rosh Hashanah

I want to take this opportunity to thank those who have come to my blog and left me with words both to think about and words to challenge.

Wishing all of you and your close loved ones a k'tiva v'chatima tova.

Jokes of the Day

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.

The Lord said he would call this being "woman."

So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man, yet was different in ways that would be appealing, and could provide physical pleasure to man.

When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called "woman," he summoned The Lord.

"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.

"Thank You, O Great One," replied St. Peter.

"I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings, and senses to this being, this...woman. I require your assistance on this matter, O Lord."

"You shall make her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Seventy five, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.

"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.

"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Lord," said St. Peter.

"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream out my name!"

Country Music

I have been inspired to listen to country music. So today, my Dell Jukebox will be pumping out all the hokey tunes of the comtemporary country music world. Meet me at the grand ole' opry!

Some more updates. My husband has not yet been able to make his appointment. He waited until Tuesday to call the therapist and of course, since she has so few time slots anyway (she only sees patients in the evening), her Wednesday was booked. Now they are looking at a possible session in the second week of October. Yom tov gets in the way.

What else? Oh yes. I saw a missing person poster on the subway this morning on the way in. I thought to myself, I wonder what it feels like to be the person on the other side. The one who is missing. Assuming, of course, that nothing sinister occurred to make that person missing. How does a person just vanish? It is an interesting thing to contemplate. The concept of just leaving EVERYTHING. It means leaving your clothes, your family, your job, your whole life. Starting totally fresh and new. Getting a second chance to live your life the way you want it. When you are born, the proverbial snowball starts rolling and it never ends. It just sweeps you up. Then one day you stop, look around and say WOAH. Where the heck AM I? How the heck did I get HERE? Life is scary and yes, it sucks. What sucks the most though is when life is not what you want and you know that you can have it different if someone let you.

Thoughts and comments welcome, as always!

Joke of the Day

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Two posts today - Therapy Update and Cruelty (see below)

Sunday at the therapist went well. I feel almost justified in my feelings over the past few years. The therapist felt that my husband needs to come in and that I should encourage him to go. So I told him on Sunday that she has openings on Wednesday evening. I am leaving it up to him to make the appointment though. As much as I understand the logic behind pushing him, I am still not his mother. The therapist would like him to go on a medication which will make him not react as strongly as quickly to things that in reality shouldnt bother him as much as they do. It was, all in all, a pleasant session. I still feel like I need to leave, even if it is just for a short amount of time. The therapist asked me to tell her what my husband could do to get to the point where I would be happy with him, and I simply couldnt answer. Part of it is that I wish he could figure it out on his own. Another part is that I know that no matter what he does, I feel like I need time to heal. That is something he wont agree with. Well, next appointment is Sunday again. Good luck to me!

Cruelty

What prods someone to act in a cruel manner? Do they even always consciously know that they are being cruel? What if they play a trick on someone without intending to be cruel but it is simply out of cowardice? Is that then justifiably termed "cruel" or is it simply a lack of maturity?

I have an acquaintance, or maybe you can even call this person a part of my past, who chose cowardice over bravery. Instead of facing up to the feelings and fears within himself, he chose a cop-out. Instead of confronting his concerns, he chose deviant ways to seek the information that would, for him, justify his cowardice. Instead of acting like a man and acknowledging his doubts, he chose to hide behind a facade of his own making to manipulate a situation.

So tell me dear readers, is he a coward? Is he cruel? Or should I just pity him? For me, closure is always essential. This time, I am not sure. To confront the cowardice could hurt him. To not confront the cruelty would hurt me. Whose pain is more justified?

What is a hero?

My husband has issues with the use of the word "hero" in today's media. So last night on the news, the reporter made reference to the victims of Hurricane Katrina as heroes. Boy did THAT not go over well with Mr. Energynorm. He started ranting on about how the word is abused with its use in reference to the victims of 9/11 and now with the victims of Hurricane Katrina. I got offended (as I admit I easily do) because to me, who the hell cares how the victims are referred to? We don't know that they WEREN'T heroes, so who does it hurt to call them heroes? I don't know anyone who perished in either, yet I feel I have more respect for their memories than my husband does. On the flip side, YES, I do acknowledge that the media does use that word to sensationalize the deaths of those victims. But STILL, who cares? Let them rest in peace. Why nitpick about how they are referred to?

What do you think??

How was your weekend?

Mine was fine, thanks for asking. We got our bookcases delivered on Friday so I unpacked 14 boxes of books yesterday. I also finished unpacking my son's room. My husband did the laundry. So it was a quiet and uneventful day. Boring, quiet and uneventful. My sister informed me that she won't be our nanny again this summer. I told my husband and his immediate reaction was "Is it because of me?" Well, I know it is because of him. She knows it is because of him. He knows it is because of him. Let's not fool ourselves.

Anyway, I can't go to my therapy tonight because it doesn't work with my husband's schedule. The therapist called on Friday and left a message. She doesn't want to wait until Sunday to see me again. So unless my sister can watch the baby, I have no other ideas of what to do. My husband doesn't seem open to the idea of taking the baby home from daycare.

Any suggestions?

How was therapy?

I got that question thrice so I will answer it here. The best way to answer it is to copy and paste what I wrote to one of the askers:

It was interesting. I really wonder what to reply to that question. My husband asked the same thing. I was just allowed to talk, to vent my feelings. In the end one of the things we came to realize is that my husband, most likely without realizing, trying to control me.

It was all very inconclusive, but pretty much a lot of what you have read on my blog was what we discussed.

So I was asked, then why do I need to go to her and waste my money?

Because she is a professional who will help guide me to finding some sort of happiness and peace with myself and will guide me in what to do about my marriage. Fellow bloggers can't do that and my ranting and raving doesn't guide me, it is just emotional vomit.

So there you go. I feel good today. I feel like I am on the road to something. I am not scared of being on that road either. The therapist told me that it seems I have everything in some sort of order in my head. I hope that is right.

EBay

So, since I am not getting enough emails and I cant comment on my own blog, I am going to have to go do some EBaying! I blame you all for the fact that my wallet will be thinner ;)

Just kidding about the blame game. Not about the EBaying!

Up but not quite

It seems that even though blogger.com is up, I still can't post comments in my own blog! Go figure.

While I was waiting I made myself an email account. I figured it makes sense to have it anyway. Try energynorm@hotmail.com.

This blog does not allow anonymous comments.

You're currently posting as energynorm.
Or you can sign in as a different user.
Comments have been disabled on this post.

This is what I get. Anyone have any suggestions?

Well, my computer doesnt like me...

It seems I cant make comments. I apologize to everyone and hope to be able to be up and running again soon.

Fortunes

I am sitting here playing verbal volleyball (which I admit I am enjoying immensely) and while I wait for replies, I am looking at my computer monitor. I wanted to share with you all the things I have stuck to it, mainly the words taped to it. Here goes:

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...

And some fortune cookie fortunes:

You are almost there.
Keep on charging the enemy so long as there is life.
Everyone has the right to choose one's own lifestyle.

Shock and Awe

I am truly amazed. This morning my husband told me he will try to cancel one of his lawyerly thingies he has today so maybe he will be able to pick up our son. I'm very happy. I think I will be able to take some ME time after all. I haven't yet told my husband I will be home late, but after therapy I will wander the city like I used to, people watching etc.

Aside from that, I had a HELLISH time getting in to work this morning. The trains were packed because our President is in town and people are actually listening to the gridlock alert and taking public transportation. I had to wait for three trains to go by before there was enough room for me to get on with my son in the stroller. And of course, while we were on that very packed third train, my darling angel decided he didn't want his shoes on anymore. Or his socks. Try taking shoes and socks off a screaming baby in a packed train. Maybe they should make a game show with tasks like these. That would be funnier than it was this morning. Or maybe it would put it into perspective for me and make me find it funnier than I did.

So all in all, I am finding today to be potentially positive.

New Appointment

I spoke with my husband the other night about when I should reschedule my therapy to. He told me Wednesday would be best. So I called and left a few back and forth messages with the therapist and she put me in to her 6 PM slot. Then my husband told me that he probably won't be able to make it. He wants to know why I am annoyed with him, since it is out of his control. After all, it is work. He had three conferences (lawyer stuff, whatever, I have no clue what it all means) and the third is probably rescheduled to tomorrow because the second of the two today is taking too long. Well, I am annoyed. I am in a pissy mood. My close loved ones know all about this. They are feeling it. That's not fair of me, and I will try harder. I have to find a way to let out my frustration. A good long walk would do, but I have no way to take a long walk alone. So I ended up doing something terrible by guilt tripping my sister into watching my son for an hour tomorrow while I have my appointment.

I just want some ME time. Is that too much to ask for?

Question from an "8"

A friend of mine asked me today, do you ever blog about why you SHOULDN'T get divorced? I thought that was a rather profound question. He is right too. I should write about why, in theory, I shouldn't get divorced.

The problem is, I can't come up with a good enough reason. I feel like a single mom. I feel like I ask him for so little, and even with that I can't rely on him. I don't feel appreciated. Then he can't understand why I am not affectionate enough. I told him I want a housekeeper. A nice surprise from him to me, to show me he really does care, is to get one. One day last week when I stayed home in the morning, I asked that he take our son in to daycare. He kvetched and moaned about it because it would be so hard to do it. Isn't it just as hard for ME to shlep our son up and down stairs in the subway and on the bus? When I pointed that out, he said "Fine, I will try this one time." Gee, thanks for all the help DEAR.

So, why shouldn't I get divorced? Well, I do love my husband. I want my son to grow up with both his parents in one place, not to have to answer the questions and teasings of his classmates. I want to know that my parents didn't waste their money when they paid for my entire wedding. I want to know we didn't waste our money buying a new place to live recently.

But I want to be happy. I'm not. I can be.

September 11

Everyone is asking me how my appointment went yesterday, so I figured I would very succinctly tell everyone about it. I didnt see the therapist. A huge misunderstanding occurred when my husband called to cancel the couple's appointment we had. It seems she thought he was cancelling both. I went there but got there late and I knocked. No one answered. About 8 times I went up and down between her home and office and the lobby where the doorman could have sworn he saw her come in about 15 minutes before me. Finally an hour later after sitting in her dark office waiting room accompanied by moths (because she left the windows open) I left. I got a call from her last night at 9 ish where she apologized and now I am attempting to reschedule.

I wont give up so easily, though if I knew of another therapist who has evening and weekend hours I might go to him/her instead because for now I have no loyalties, I just need help. Loved ones call me nuts, so I know it to be true.

I had a suicidal thought yesterday. It was after the whole fiasco with not having my appointment. I was on my way home and I was crossing the street to go get nosh for the ride home. I saw a bus coming and thought to myself, how easy would it be to just keep walking as it came at me. It scared the crap out of me. I didnt do it, naturally. But it scared me. I bet it scares you all too, but such is life. I dont mean to scare you, so if you dont want to read, you can stop visiting the blog.

I should also comment on the fact that it was the 4th anniversary of the horrors committed downtown in NYC. I think I was so traumatized by that day that I cant even put it into words. The thing is, it is my nature to put up a wall and bury my feelings about it, so I cant even express them here. I know I want to go visit Ground Zero. But I am too scared to. But I know I have to. One day, I have to face that demon in me. That and all the others in my life.

7

My dear friend NormalJew tagged me a while back and I have been remiss in responding. So here goes, my answers to the "7" questions tag:

1)Seven things I.....Plan to do before I die
Be happy
Be satisfied
Be thin
Feel beautiful
See my son through college
Learn to drive
Become a social worker

2)Seven .....Things I can do
Draw
Sew
Wink
Listen
Learn
Love
Care

3)Seven .....Things I can't do
Read people
Speak other languages
Eat anything dead
Tolerate any clucking sounds
Whistle
Rollerskate, rollerblade, bike ride
Jump off a diving board

4)Seven things ..... that attract me to the opposite sex

Intelligence

Sensitivity

Sense of humor

Common interests

A defined jaw line

Strong arms/hands
Moustache/Beard

5)Seven .....Things I say most
Sorry
Oops
Oh well
Crap
Crap on a stick
Life sucks and then you die
You know what?

6)Seven .....Celebrity crushes
Just one... James Spader

7)Seven .....People I want to take this quiz
NormalJew (but he already took it)
Yingele
thekvetcher (even though I know he wont)
sahm4yrs
Mishegas Master
bleemy's blemishes
elisheva

Mikvah

My husband forgot yesterday that last night was mikvah night. I had to call and be sure he would come home on time so I could get there before they close. Don't get me wrong, the sex is always good. But I feel like I am always the one reminding him about the "be a good Jew" stuff.

Then when I got home after the mikvah (and I told my husband I would be back in an hour) he was on the phone! He hadn't even showered. Aurghhh. How am I supposed to get "in the mood" if he doesn't even seem eager?

Why does that always have to be?

Fight or Flight

I did some research. Fight or flight is a response that the human body activates when placed in a highly stressful situation. I was waiting for my body to kick in to that reaction. I was not sure what would really be the trigger. After all, stress never made me go into labor, and I sure had a lot of that in my 9th month. My mother in law collapsed and was diagnosed with a brain tumor, my husband fainted in a subway station and was rushed to the hospital, etc. But I fought. I was not ready to run at that point. Things were worthwhile. Life had meaning. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal.)

Fast forward to today. As anyone who has been reading my blog (I know, all 5 of you out there), I have not been happy. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and searching in general, and as a friend of mine so eloquently pointed out to me today, I am searching for love. I know my husband loves me. I know I love him. I am searching for the kind of love that you only find in fairy tales I think.

If I had it, how would I know it is real? How would I keep it? How would I know there is a way to keep it? What if it is somewhere that I shouldn't be looking? Am I wrong to want to look for it? Is that flight? I think it is. I think I am finally not fighting for my marriage but wanting to flee and seek something else. Many of you can condemn me for it. Feel free. I don't feel bad about it and I won't feel bad about it. I want to be happy. In fact, I demand it.

What I want, I can't have (yet, if ever)
What I have, I don't want.

I bet my therapist on Sunday is going to have a field day with me...

Movin on out...

Well, lots of people have emailed me asking where I am. It's very sweet of y'all. I have had a rough week or so. So many details to go into and I would have loved to be able to blog them while they occurred, but we have no internet access yet in our new place.

Am I crazy to have moved? I still think a part of me says Yes, but I know that the new place is bigger and better than the old one and that is good for the baby, at least. I wouldn't say there have been any major incidents lately with my husband, just a general feeling of dislike. Not that I personally care if he likes me or not. I just would rather he didn't speak to me the way he does in front of my family.

Today my son started daycare. It is a real disaster. I feel like no one who I try to talk with about it is able to give me the full support I need on it and it is a very lonely feeling. I went to talk with a friend about how I don't feel comfortable with the way the daycare is being run (my son is in a different room now that he is older) as opposed to the way it was last year and she was busy. She couldn't talk. She knew I was upset and REALLY I don't blame her. I just wish I didn't have to go cry alone in the bathroom. I am not the kind of person who turns to people for comfort. The one time I did, I didn't get what I needed. My father tells me I can't always be so tough. He asked me yesterday how is everything. I said "It's ok". He said "Are you telling me the truth?" I said "Would you tell me the truth?" He knows that I know he isn't happy in his marriage either.

Which brings me to my next thing that I want to write about. My mother is obese. She probably weighs about 400 pounds or so. At least. Plus she has arthritis. And my father isn't in great health either, though his problem is poor circulation (he has no hair on his legs) and he has back problems and no cushioning in many of his joints (he even needs cortisone shots periodically so his neck can move). My mother was going to have gastric bypass surgery but opted not to. My father is one of those stubborn Hungarians who would rather have his head fall off than go to a doctor. I am sure I have ulcers because of the two of them. Or at the very least heartburn. So basically I have to sit back and watch my parents slowly dying. It seems that way to be at least. I don't know what else to do. My husband tells me I should yell at my mother so that she will get the surgery. That won't help though and I was raised to respect my parents and yelling at them isn't something I was taught to do. Also, what good will it do? My parents are the type that just shut down when confronted. They will tell me that that is how they are doing it and will clam up and that is that. Damn stubborn Hungarians.

Anyway, I still have a ton to unpack, a load of bills to pay, I have to deal with the people who are moving into my old place because they have to take over the lease of something that is in the apartment itself (don't ask, long story), I have to find out where the gym is because I want to start going again and I have my first therapy on Sunday. Alone therapy. Not couples therapy because my husband hasn't rescheduled that yet.

So that is me in a nutshell. Or a basket of nuts. Or maybe I am just a basket case. Who knows.