September 11

Everyone is asking me how my appointment went yesterday, so I figured I would very succinctly tell everyone about it. I didnt see the therapist. A huge misunderstanding occurred when my husband called to cancel the couple's appointment we had. It seems she thought he was cancelling both. I went there but got there late and I knocked. No one answered. About 8 times I went up and down between her home and office and the lobby where the doorman could have sworn he saw her come in about 15 minutes before me. Finally an hour later after sitting in her dark office waiting room accompanied by moths (because she left the windows open) I left. I got a call from her last night at 9 ish where she apologized and now I am attempting to reschedule.

I wont give up so easily, though if I knew of another therapist who has evening and weekend hours I might go to him/her instead because for now I have no loyalties, I just need help. Loved ones call me nuts, so I know it to be true.

I had a suicidal thought yesterday. It was after the whole fiasco with not having my appointment. I was on my way home and I was crossing the street to go get nosh for the ride home. I saw a bus coming and thought to myself, how easy would it be to just keep walking as it came at me. It scared the crap out of me. I didnt do it, naturally. But it scared me. I bet it scares you all too, but such is life. I dont mean to scare you, so if you dont want to read, you can stop visiting the blog.

I should also comment on the fact that it was the 4th anniversary of the horrors committed downtown in NYC. I think I was so traumatized by that day that I cant even put it into words. The thing is, it is my nature to put up a wall and bury my feelings about it, so I cant even express them here. I know I want to go visit Ground Zero. But I am too scared to. But I know I have to. One day, I have to face that demon in me. That and all the others in my life.