Marriage

So finally, after what is considered by me (and probably many others) to be ‘about time’, my husband and I have our first couple’s session. How, you may ask, did this finally come about? Well, when I was at my last “me” only therapy session, I discussed with the therapist about the ‘next step’. Naturally, it was for my husband and me to go together to a session!

So when I left the session, she called my husband and they arranged an appointment for this Sunday. Of course, the issue of a babysitter was still present, but since we were to be going away, I chose not to bring it up. I also still held strongly to the conviction that my husband was responsible for at least TRYING to help find a babysitter.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an eternity’s worth of patience.

The other night my husband said to me “Can your sister baby-sit on Sunday?”

I said “Maybe she can, but before I ask you have to realize we need to pay her for travel time since it takes over an hour to get to us.” (old story already)

He said “That is stupid. After all we do for her, she is going to charge us for travel time?”

I said “First of all, I didn’t say that SHE is charging us for travel time. I said that we have to pay it. This means I am the one charging us for travel time. If it was any other person, would you have a problem paying travel time?”

He said “No, but she is family and we do so much for her.”

I said “She is my sister. I will always do so much for her. But she has no other income and so, especially if you would pay someone ELSE travel time, why not pay her?”

He said “Well, then we need to find another babysitter.”

I said “Then please help me with that.”

Now I know he never even asked around, so I said to him a day later, “Maybe we can drop our son off by my sister so we don’t have to pay for travel time.”

My husband decided that that would be acceptable and so it is arranged.

So why am I writing all this? I guess because I don’t know what to expect now that I know I am finally going to be facing the dragon in his cave. My husband and I reached a truce of sorts after a series of unpleasant back-and-forth emails resulting from the letter I had sent to him upon the therapist’s recommendation. The truce ended until we got off the plane back in NY. How is that for convenient? Since I started in therapy, I have seen NO change in my husband (he will probably say the same about me). The problem is that in my eyes, I have no motivation to change. And I do admit that that can be considered a problem. I am just so tired of all of this. So damn drained that all I want to do, even as I write this, is sit and cry. I feel so hopeless and in many ways helpless.

I think to myself, what did I do to get to where I am today? What if I hadn’t married my husband? Would I have married someone else like him? Would I have married? And what if I was no longer married now? Would I ever remarry? Am I really the ‘type’ who needs a husband? What would I ‘need’ a husband for? Children? No, I don’t want any more children. I am very happy with the one I have. Financial security? No, I currently make more than my lawyer husband and have better benefits. Insurance? No, I provide that as well. Someone to go to the movies with? No, my husband doesn’t like to go to the movies. Someone to cook for? No, I stopped cooking for him a long time ago when he would come home either not in the mood to eat, come home late and not tell me so the food got cold or would come home and not ever compliment either the food or show appreciation for the fact that I made it. Love? I can get love in other ways. I don’t need to contractually bind myself to someone just for love.

So would someone PLEASE tell me why I would want to ever remarry if I got divorced?